I find it funny that just minutes after John Kerry announced that John Edwards was going to be his running mate, the GOP website posted a total flame of Edwards, calling him among other things, “a disingenuous, unaccomplished liberal and friend to personal injury trial lawyers.” I don’t find it funny that it was posted so fast, because I’m sure the website had something prepared for each of the possible running mates, but that so much of what they try to paint as a negative for Edwards applies to the current president.

They basically say that Edwards has no experience in foreign policy (Bush), is overly friendly towards an unsavory outside group, in this case, trial lawyers (Bush and oil companies), and like Kerry, Edwards is a flip-flopper (Bush in his 2000 campaign said he wasn’t into “nation building” yet three years later, was doing that very same thing in Iraq).

It is also funny because I’m willing to bet if you asked George W. Bush what “disingenuous” meant, he’d respond with “not smart.”

JAB

I swear: the horrible political rhetoric all over the ‘Net, on the 24 hour news channels, and in the newspaper, is going to kill me by the time November rolls around. Democrats calling Republicans evil, Republicans calling Democrats unpatriotic — it’s pathetic, as well as discouraging. I end up just hating everyone (except John McCain and John Edwards. They rock). Then you have people like Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity — the Assholes of Punditry — spouting on and on about how they are fair and balanced in their political leanings and in the coverage they provide — and then they go and suck the President’s nuts like he were Jesus Christ himself. I wish I could just ignore it all and be happily oblivious, but like a heroin addict, I just can’t stay away.

If you’re wondering why posting has been a little light the past week or so, it’s because I’ve a) been trying to cut down on time I spend on the computer, and b) my writing output has increased quite a bit. I should be finishing two stories sometime this week. Hopefully. So I shall try to increase the frequency in which I post. In the meantime, keep yourself busy by checking out some sites other than mine that I like to visit.

JAB

I was watching Air Force One tonight, and watching Harrison Ford’s heroics as the President of the United States battling terrorists who’ve hijacked Air Force One, I got to wondering how our current President or his upcoming opponent, John Kerry, would handle the situation.

Early on in the movie, there’s an opportunity for the President to escape in some weird pseudo-moonlander thing. Now Harrison Ford’s character, Jim Marshall, launches the escape pod without him in it and hides, so that the terrorists think he got away. He does this because his family is on board and — understandably — he wants to help save them. Now according to the plot, he’s a Medal of Honor winner and knows how to fight. Of course, by movie’s end, he beats the bad guys and saves the day.

Now how would Bush or Kerry handle the situation?

Given Bush’s inclination to avoid personal conflict (*cough* Vietnam), I think he would accept the rationale that he is the President and must survive, that the office is bigger than any one person, and would thus hop into the pod and escape. But instead of making it down safely, he’d have forgotten how the dang thing operates and promptly crash to his death, all the time wishing that Karl Rove or Dick Cheney were there to tell him what to do.

Kerry, on the other hand, would have convinced himself that because he fought in Vietnam, he can and will kick the asses of these pitiful terrorists. So he’d send the pod on its way and then go skulk off to fight the terrorists. That is, at least until he’d actually come face-to-face with a gun-toting terrorist and abruptly change his mind. He’d turn around and haul ass back to the pod. Unfortunately though, he would have forgotten that he already sent the pod off. So he’d curse the fact that he ever became the President as the terrorists came and caught him. Then Kerry would probably lecture them — in that horribly gravelly voice and mind-numbingly halting delivery that is so unique to him — on why they should be disappointed that Bush isn’t there instead because Bush didn’t serve in Vietnam and Kerry is gonna give them the fight of their lives, yessir. One of two things would happen then: the terrorists would get angry and shoot him right on the spot, or they’d fall asleep, allowing Kerry the opportunity to save the day, that is assuming he can talk everyone to death.

To be fair, I don’t think any senior politician could cope with a situation such as that. The exception is John McCain, whom I could definitely see outfighting and outwitting the terrorists. Hell, at the very least, I’m sure he’d have caught Osama by now.

JAB

This is all I’m going to say about gay marriage, and then I’m done.

Our economy is on a downward slide, Iraq is still not any safer than it was a year ago — indeed, it’s probably less safe, there’s a liar in the White House, America isn’t any safer, just more complacent with our “Security,” and less prepared for another terrorist attack. And when I flip on the television and pop over to any news channel, all I see is everyone bitching about gay marriage and how it defies the “sanctity of marriage” and this new talk of a Constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage proposed by the party that always blathers on about “small government is good” and then turns around and goes all hypocritical.

So let me just say this: If you have a problem with two people who love each other and want to get married to affirm that love, then you can go fuck yourself.

This country has far more important things to be worrying about.

JAB

Great. In a terrifying flashback to 2000, Ralph Nader is once more going to run for the Presidency, which means he could potentially hand the election over to Bush again. Just to recap a little bit of history: in the 2000 election, Nader only won 2.7% of the general vote, but in Florida and New Hampshire Bush won by such narrow margins that if Gore had received most of Nader’s votes in those two states, Gore would have won them, as well as the whole shebang.

I think Nader’s goals are laudable: he’s trying to take back Washington, which has been hijacked by corporate interests. He’s also trying to take down the two-party system, because he believes the Republican and Democrat parties are indistinguishable from each other. I think he’s fairly accurate in the former assessment, though a little off in the latter.

There is enough of a difference between the two major parties, coupled with the fact that Bush seems intent on going, “Bush Smash!” to the economy and the rest of the world, that I want a Democrat in the White House, and badly so. And if this coming election — with polls already having a potential Bush and Kerry contest as being too close to call — is soured by Nader’s presence, then I feel that the Democratic candidate would again lose.

I nearly voted for Nader out of principle in the 2000 election because I wanted to support a third-party candidate. At the last moment, however, I voted for Gore because I realized I really didn’t want Bush to win. If this current election follows past trends, Nader’s attempts at challenging the system could result in another agonizingly four long years with President Bush. And then we’re really fucked.

I have to admit, I’m glad to see that Dean is no longer the front-runner Democrat in the — as “The Daily Show” puts it — Race From the White House. I know this is just one little shindig and that there are other, more important events ahead, but seeing Dean taken down a couple of notches makes me feel a lot better. He’s too angry, and doesn’t seem enough of a leader to be an effective President. Of course, after the ’00 fiasco, Americans proved you don’t necessarily need to be a leader to be elected President.

So, if I remember correctly, Kerry won with 38% of something, Edwards came in second with 32%, Dean followed with only 18%, and I don’t remember nor care who placed after that. Personally, I hope Edwards wins the nomination, though if Kerry did, I’d be okay with that. Edwards is a nice guy who manages to stay above the rest of the candidates by not resorting to name-calling. Plus I went to his site and read where he stands on a lot of issues, and I gotta admit, I like him. Regardless, no matter who wins the Democratic nomination, I’ll vote for him because hey, they’re all better than Bush.

Oh, in a slightly off-topic remark, did anyone watch “The Daily Show” last night? They were doing a bit on slogans and propaganda, and one Kerry bumpersticker that women could get read “Dated Dean, Married Kerry.” John Stewart then said it was slightly more popular than the old sticker, “Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Fingerbanged Kucenich.”

Now *that’s* funny.

JAB

I’m sure many of you have already heard about this, but for the unitiated, go to Google, type in the words “miserable failure” without the quotation marks, and then click on “I Feel Lucky.” Trust me, it’s priceless.

In JBdN news, I’m temporarily suspending my monthly column “Fade In.” That doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t see any more issues of it, just not regularly and not for a while. I’ve come to said decision because I’m too busy doing other creative things that interest me more–and the column just isn’t working for me anymore. I do hope to have other neat things to look at and read in the future, so stay tuned…

JAB

P.S. – This is completely off topic (and isn’t everything around here?), but I’d like everyone to give Alan a big round of applause for actually signing up for the notification list, thus making me feel important and making my day. That makes a whopping three people who have signed up for it since November. So Nate, Erin, and Alan — thanks, guys!

So, in case you somehow missed it, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for the governorship of California. So many jokes can — and will be — made regarding his running (“Will he ‘terminate’ his opponents?”), that I’m sure I’ll be sick to death of it by tomorrow. A lot of people are rolling their eyes because they think he’s just another wealthy celebrity who’s using his money to buy his way into politics. For a lot of celebs, I think that may be true. Jerry Springer comes to mind, actually. But Arnold truly seems to care about the problems plaguing California and its people. The more I read about his views and ideas, the more I wish the Constitution would allow him to run for the Presidency.

I watched the little press conference he gave last night, and was impressed by some of his answers to questions. When asked if he’d be running as a Republican or a Democrat, he answered that he would run for the people, and not for a particular party. Whether this will still be true when he actually runs remains to be seen. I watched a little bit of the wonderful Fox News Channel last night at the press conference, and was pleased to see that the conservatives and the liberals both didn’t agree completely with Arnold’s political views, because he’s really a centrist kind of person. Precisely what this country needs, if you ask me. Or John McCain. Or Arthur Penn from “Knightlife.” Anyway, the one thing the people on Fox News did agree on is that Arnold quickly jumped in as the frontrunner in the campaign because of who he is.

One more thing: having Arnold Schwarzenegger as our President would be sweet, because I can just totally see him kicking the crap out of the US’s enemies. And what a great photo-op, too; Arnold holding Saddam Hussein over the edge of a cliff, bruised and battered, with an American flag proudly flying in the background. Arnold gives Saddam the squinty stare of death, then utters, “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Hey, it’s no less ridiculous sounding than a certain President — who went AWOL as an Air National Guardsman during Vietnam — flying onto a battleship in a fighter, dressed in a flight suit. At least it’s slightly more believable with Arnold than Bush — which is sad, when you think about it.

JAB

The Pentagon finally came to its collective senses. Or more likely they realized how pissed some people were getting and decided to cover their asses. I can just picture Paul Wolfowitz going, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit.”

Read about it here.

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon on Tuesday abandoned a plan to establish a futures market that would have allowed traders to profit by correctly predicting assassinations and terrorist strikes in the Middle East.

Facing outraged Democratic senators, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said he learned of the program in the newspaper while heading to a Senate Foreign Relations hearing on Iraq.

“I share your shock at this kind of program,” he said. “We’ll find out about it, but it is being terminated.”

JAB

Just when you think things in Republican-led Washington can’t get any stupider…

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon is setting up a stock-market style system in which investors would bet on terror attacks, assassinations and other events in the Middle East. Defense officials hope to gain intelligence and useful predictions while investors who guessed right would win profits.

Hey guess what! If you place a bet that North Korea will attack South Korea or that Yasser Arafat will get assassinated, you can win money thanks to the Pentagon’s nifty new idea. Yay!

Of course this is okay, but if France were to set up a similar market and let people place bets on whether George W. would get assassinated, it’d be “hate France” again in Washington. Jesus Christ.

Read the whole shebang here.

JAB