Peter David wrote something really funny over at his blog. It regards the fact that Iraqi lawmakers — surprise, surprise — have missed the deadline to supply a draft of their new constitution.

Here’s a brief snippet of what PAD wrote:

In a tragic setback in Iraq, it was announced today that a dog ate the just completed Iraqi constitution.

“We finished it, honest to god,” said assembly speaker Hajim al-Hasani, looking greatly chagrined and scuffing his toe. “It was all done, we had it, we just needed that extra day to make it look really good. And then we were carrying it to work and this dog just came out of nowhere. It barked and scared us, and I was so startled that I dropped the constitution. Next thing we knew, it was in this dog’s mouth and he was running away with it, chewing on it.”

To read the rest, simply click here.

I suppose it’s just as good an excuse as if al-Hasani had said, “Well, we had it all completed, and I was just getting ready to print it out on my brand new Dot-Matrix 6000x printer, when the damn computer crashed! And I, like, totally lost everything!”

JAB

Damn, the new This Modern World is some funny shit. I just love a good dig against the Prez and his personal publicity machine, Fox News…or should I say, Glox News?

Check it out.

JAB

My head’s been pounding since noon today, thus nullifying my 4th o’ July plans. I’ve been lying on the couch for the last hour, hoping that the motherfucker in my head would go away but, alas, it’s not meant to be.

I did want to share with you an interesting article from the Guardian about Karl Rove, Bush’s right-hand man — AKA the Mastermind. According to the article, Mr. Rove is apparently the one who gave up the name of secret CIA agent Valerie Plame a few years back, after her husband — former ambassador Joseph Wilson — publicly accused the Bush administration of exaggerating the case for war in Iraq.

If Karl Rove is actually the one who blew Plame’s cover, then this opens up a whole shit-filled can of worms for the Bush administration. Because if Rove is the culprit, it makes one wonder if this leads any higher up. I’m heartened to hear that prosecutors in the investigation are looking very closely at Rove and the rest of the Bush cabal. Everyone remembers what happened to Nixon, right? And that was just because he covered up a break-in and lied about it. I hate to admit it — nah, who am I kidding, I don’t — but I’m gleefully waiting to see how this all eventually plays out.

Now go and read the article.

JAB

As we approach the inauguration of the Last President Ever (y’know, ’cause once he gets sworn in again, he ain’t ever leavin’), I thought I would point you all to something author Michael Stackpole wrote: “Ten Things You Will Not See in the Second Bush Administration.”

These two points are my favorite, and the second is very chilling when you think about it:

6) You will see no stable government in Iraq. There are very good reasons for this and the Bush administration’s refusal to acknowledge reality simply exacerbates a problem.

The basic fact is simple: Iraq was no more meant to be a nation than Yugoslavia was. When Tito died and the Soviet influence was removed from Yugoslavia, it fractured into a number of small nations that went to war with each other. Iraq is in a similar situation. It was created by diplomats and consists of three distinct cultures, none of whom want anything to do with each other. The Kurds want their own nation, but Turkey opposes that because they have a Kurdish minority they constantly have to fight. The Marsh Arabs in the south could easily form the nation of Basra, and everything else could go to the Sunni nation of Babylon.

Frankly, splitting the country up that way is a perfect solution. The folks on the ground would have some identity with their nation and could scheme about how to take everyone else over, as opposed to how to shoot our boys. Moreover, an international coalition could come in to rebuild each nation, which means everyone would profit. The United States could withdraw and the nightmare would be over for us. (Actually, we’d probably remain based in Basra to protect the oil and act as a brake on Iranian aggression, but that would work, too.)

Bush and his advisors would never go for this plan. Splitting Iraq would seem like a defeat and that’s just not acceptable.

. . .

10) You will not see our military remain “all volunteer.” Okay, so this one is shooting fish in a barrel since enforced enlistment extensions is already removing the voluntary part of participation for folks already in the system. Moreover, the President maintained, during the debates, that to fight terrorism “you have to have a plan.” He added that we’d done Afghanistan and Iraq, then reiterated “you have to have a plan.”

In the next four years there will be more wars. Our troop strength in Iraq is insufficient to stabilize the country. Somalia and Yemen were on General Tommy Franks’ hit list before Iraq, so they’re still viable targets. Central Asian instability will also demand troops. I’d not be surprised to see the United States inserting troops into Kashmir to keep the peace there-though we’d be inserted under the cover of fighting Al Qaeda troops there. And then we have the Philippines and Sudan to worry about.

I don’t think it will be a draft per se, as much as an imposition of national service. Those who have the qualifications for domestic service will do that. Those who cannot will be looking at the armed forces. It’ll be touted as a jobs program, or an educational program, which is really a jobs program, if you recall the debates. (That this was coming from a C average student who has never really held a job in his life was a delicious bit of irony.)

Who benefits on this one? No one, I’m afraid, save for the morticians.

I sincerely hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think I will be.

Yeah, see why 10 is pretty scary? Read the rest here.

JAB

I have nothing really new to add to the whole “Bush Won, Where’s My Gun?” commentary (and by “Where’s my gun,” I’m implying “where’s my gun so I can shoot myself, not our beloved President.” Please denote the distinction, and God bless the Patriot Act). All I can say is go read this article. Since I so desperately want to visis the Caribbean, that option looks good to me.

Writing from an undisclosed location in the North-Eastern United States, this is Josh Bales.

Viva la revolucion!

JAB

I went and voted today, so I no longer have to worry about bitch-slapping myself.

It went quite smoothly, so I was pleased. There were only about fifteen people ahead of me at the polling station, and the line moved quickly too. What was odd — and pleasing to see — is that probably half of those in front of me were youngish. One girl looked like she was twelve, so I figured she was just with her mom or something, but then it was her turn and she went over to the booth. Strange.

There were no eligibility challengers to be found anywhere, fortunately. Actually, I was kind of disappointed. I had already decided that if anyone challenged me — aside from the poll workers — by demanding to see my driver’s license, I was going to demand right back to see theirs. It would have been an interesting situation, but it’s probably better for the election that this conflict didn’t arise at my polling station.

As a bonus, when I was heading back out into the parking lot, I passed a super-hot chick walking inside. It’s good to know hot chicks also care enough to vote.

JAB

Tomorrow could one of the most important days of our lives. We’re being given the opportunity to choose who our next leader will be for the next four years, a privilege, indeed, a right many other countries don’t have. Will you vote for an incompetent Morlock who has waged an unjust, unnecessary war, tarnished our good-standing in the international community, lied to us nearly every day, and trampled on our civil liberties? Or will it be for a man who, admittedly, is not perfect, but who at least has new ideas and new vision to make our country better? You decide. This election will be so close no matter what that, perhaps now more than ever, every vote counts —

Including yours.

So tomorrow, head to your polling station (if you’re still unsure where it is, go here), and vote. Maybe it won’t be for the candidate that I hope and think you should vote for, but regardless: vote. It is your right and, more importantly, your duty as a citizen of this country.

I don’t care if you think the Supreme Court is going to hand the election over to one of the candidates anyway; still, you must vote. I’m not shy — my cynical nature tells me that with the debacle of the last Presidential election still looming so large in everyone’s mind, we won’t know who will be President until mid-December, and only then after the Supreme Court steps in again. But I’m still going to be at my polling station, bright and early (okay, probably not ’til after noon). Even if my vote really doesn’t make a difference, the important thing is that my voice, as lame as it sounds, is heard.

Besides: If everyone that thought that their vote didn’t matter, that just one single vote wouldn’t make a difference, but had still voted, then many past elections would’ve turned out decidedly different than they otherwise were. That could also hold true for the election tomorrow.

And on a personal note…if you don’t vote tomorrow, don’t tell me. I don’t care if you lie to me even. I’d prefer that. ‘Cause if I discover you didn’t vote, I will a) be extremely pissed at you, and b) bitch-slap you down if I hear you complaining about the election’s eventual outcome. This: “I can’t believe [Insert Candidate] got elected; he’s a fucking fuckstick!” will be followed by this: SMACK! which, in turn, will result in: “Oh, shit, you broke my nose, man!”

Clear?

The last election didn’t count nearly as much as this one does. A lot of people my age (early 20-ish) didn’t vote because they were apathetic, a position I am sympathetic to. But this time…this time, there is so much riding on who wins. Just think: the next president will more than likely be appointing several justices to the U.S. Supreme Court. Abortion, affirmative action, gay marriage…all of these will probably be decided in the next generation. Do you want (okay, I was trying to remain neutral and nonpartisan in how I wrote this, but in the words of Benjamin Franklin: “Fuck dat shit”) George W. Bush to pick the Justices that will decide on these monumentally important issues? Furthermore, do you want Bush to decide on anything important whatsoever? Look at his track record already — he’s a duplicitous, unintelligent, civil liberty-smashing monkey that…okay, I need to stop. I’m going into outrage overload.

Just…just vote, or be shunned.

JAB

Apparently this is making the email rounds (via Tom Tomorrow):

“A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN”

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance – now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers’ Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans.

The house didn’t have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn’t mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: “We don’t need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”

[sarcasm on]
Man, by posting shit like this, liberals just reinforce the fact that they hate America to the rest of us smart people who love freedom and wish all liberals would contract Ebola.
[/sarcasm off]

JAB

In a follow-up to my previous post, Fox News has the interview between Michael Moore and Bill O’Reilly posted in full on their website. Here it is. It’s about ten minutes long, but it’s well worth it.

Also, O’Reilly’s most recent weekly column consisted of his thoughts on his interview with Michael Moore. Since it gets changed every Thursday, I’m just gonna post the whole column here in full:

Moore Sense Please

By: Bill O’Reilly for BillOReilly.com

Thursday, Jul 29, 2004

(Boston) Well, I finally tracked down Michael Moore. I saw him walking in the street outside the Democratic Convention Center and pounced on him like the paparazzi on J-Lo. Moore had been dodging me because his movie was becoming increasingly indefensible by something called “facts.” But, to his credit, Moore took up my street challenge and agreed to appear on “The Factor”.

We debated for ten minutes and Moore put forth the following:

— That President Bush “lied” about Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction even though the 9/11 Commission, the Senate Intelligence Committee Investigation and Lord Butler’s British Investigation all say Bush did not lie.

— Moore defines a “lie” as anything that turns out not to be true. By following this logic, weather forecasters everywhere must now be categorized as pathologically dishonest.

— Moore said he would not have attacked the Taliban government in Afghanistan after the 9/11 attack. Instead, he would have captured Bin laden by using “commandos.” Apparently, Moore believes the Taliban would have allowed his “commandos” to root out Osama and his boys with impunity. Moore related the “commando” strategy to me with a straight face.

— Moore denied that Ronald Reagan’s arms build up had anything to do with the collapse of the Soviet Union and freedom for Eastern Europe.

— The filmmaker then went on to say that pre-emptive war is wrong and would have been immoral even in the case of Adolf Hitler. Moore said he would have prevented Hitler from assuming power in the first place. I didn’t have time ask him how he would have done that but I assume commandos would have been involved.

So, hey, Michael Moore this bud’s for you. Thanks for showing up and debating. Now we know the under-pinnings of your world outlook.
What is still astounding to me is how many people continue to embrace the fantasies and deceptions of Michael Moore. Some people actually applauded him at the Democratic Convention, but the heavyweights stayed away.
In one bizarre scene, Moore was seated next to Rosalyn and Jimmy Carter. The couple stared straight ahead, looking like contestants about to eat bugs on the “Fear Factor,” and the Kerry campaign has made it quite clear that Moore and other left-wing bomb throwers are not to be seen around the candidate.
In fact, the Kerry people actually censored some of the speechmakers from using inflammatory anti-Bush rhetoric. That is almost unheard of at a political convention.

But old reliable Howard Dean came through. He continues to be Michael Moore’s best pal, appearing with him at a Bush bash in a Cambridge hotel. It is absolutely frightening how close Governor Dean came to being the Democratic presidential nominee.

This may surprise you, but I do not dislike Michael Moore. He is a true believer. He wants a completely different kind of country, and he’ll do anything to make that happen.

The problem with Moore is that the ends justify the means. He knows his statements and movies are not based on facts, but he continues to say they are. Even in Moore’s world where truth doesn’t exist, there should be some kind of ethical standard, but there isn’t. And the fact that Howard Dean and other powerful Americans accept that situation is more troubling than anything Michael Moore could ever say.

##

Notice how Bill mocks Moore by talking how he’d use “commandos” to take out Osama bin Laden, as well as use them to take out Hitler before he came to power.

Oh, that Michael Moore, what a buffoon!

Except that Moore never used the word “commandos” once in the interview and that in regards to Hitler, he didn’t answer, but he did heavily imply what he would have done. But Bill O’Reilly doesn’t care about this; he only cares about making himself look superior, even if he has to twist the facts.

The interview — at least in my humble opinion — makes O’Reilly look like an insufferable git. Plus, has anyone else noticed the gross jowls around his neck? Talk about “eww.”

Anyway, I got incensed enough after watching the interview and reading Bill’s column that I fired off an email to the esteemed “journalist” (see, I can use parentheses quotation marks too). I doubt he’ll ever lay eyes on it, but it’d crack me up if it found its way on “The Factor.”

Here’s my email:

Bill:

I just love how you distort the facts in your column about your interview with Michael Moore. In it you say Moore would use “commandos” (you used the parentheses quotation marks, not me) to root out Osama bin Laden, yet in the interview he never used the word commandos. His phrase was “special forces” and he said that he would send them in to root out bin Laden. Sure, the Taliban wouldn’t be happy about it, but what could they do?

Also, you try to make Moore sound stupid by saying he’d also probably use commandos to take out Hitler before WWII. Again, you completely alter the spirit of his comments. He implied he would not allow Hitler to come to power by changing the aftermath of WWI, thus probably not making Germany pay for the cost of the war, and in turn not creating the conditions that allowed Hitler to come to power.

For all your talk of a “no spin zone,” you, not Michael Moore, are full of crap.

Josh Bales

Dayton, OH

I’ll say this about Bill O’Reilly: whether you like him or hate him, you have to admit he’s a complete tool.

JAB

Apparently Bill O’Reilly recently interviewed Michael Moore on his show. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always figured such an encounter would go from a barely-civilized conversation into a knockdown, dragout fight in a matter of minutes. However, the interview actually seemed to remain calm and civil, or at least that’s how it seemed in the transcript I read.

I have no idea when the interview itself will air, or if it already has, but here is a transcript if you’d like to read it. Via Tom Tomorrow.

JAB