The Internets inform me that a new Scooby-Doo show is apparently coming out in July called SCOOBY-DOO: MYSTERY INCORPORATED.

This would not normally be a big blip on my radar, but for one fact: the recently released teaser for the first season gives the impression that the show might actually be witty and, Zombie Christ help me, good.

The first episode premieres on July 12th on Cartoon Network. I may have to check it out, if only to see if it can live up to the teaser’s promise.

The Victoria Theatre has announced its “Michelob Ultra Cool Films” slate for this summer:

Each summer, the silver screen takes center stage. Our annual summer film series presents films from the classic era of Hollywood. A different Hollywood classic runs each weekend in July and August in the air-conditioned comfort of the Victoria Theatre.

I went to one of these a year or two ago, but I don’t recall what I saw. I think it might’ve been MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. It’s a fun time, though. The Victoria is a comfy theater, and there’s free popcorn and soda. Tickets are only five bucks, too, so it’s a good deal overall.

Nice to see CASABLANCA and ANIMAL HOUSE included on the list, and not just the typical, boring offerings like THE MUSIC MAN, MY FAIR LADY, and FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. Those are fine films, and I don’t believe any of them have been shown in the Cool Films of yesteryear . . . however, they’re also, in my opinion, the sort of stereotypical films that usually get included on lists of “classics” like the Cool Films series. Diversity is nice, is all I’m saying.

Hmm. Speaking of diversity, it seems the Victoria’s also stepped up this year and finally showing some old school summer blockbusters in the form of the INDIANA JONES trilogy. (Yes, I said “trilogy” and not “tetralogy.” As far as I’m concerned, the most recent Indy movie never happened.) I caught RAIDERS and TEMPLE last year when the Regal briefly flirted with airing films of yore, but wouldn’t mind seeing them again on the silver screen.

Good show, Victoria — you earned my business again. I full-well intend to hit up the Indy movies and CASABLANCA. Now if only they’d include JAWS and THE PRINCESS BRIDE in next year’s slate.

Took in a midnight showing of IRON MAN 2 last night with Jason and Jennifer. I hadn’t been to a midnight showing of a movie in several years, the last time being for REVENGE OF THE SITH. So . . . five years ago? Yeah.

The theater was packed, and hot and sweaty inside. I don’t think they turned on the air conditioner until midway through the movie. We got there about an hour before it began, so I was able to observe a number of people as they entered the theater.

Man, was it a self-esteem boost.

Between this guy who had fantasy nerd long hair and was wearing sweatpants and a fanny pack, and a short fat Hobbit kid clad in a 6XL Dragonball t-shirt, I felt like even I could start beating people up and taking their lunch money if I wanted to. I’m sure they’re good people, though . . . good people whose lunch money could’ve been mine!

The film itself was very good, much better than I had anticipated. The casting was spot-on: Downey, Rourke, and Rockwell dominated the scenes they were in, and hell — even Scarlett Johansson was eminently believable as the Black Widow. (And hot. Boy, was she hot.) The pacing was excellent, especially compared to the first, which at times kind of dragged a bit (e.g., the terrorist camp scene, the big fight at the end). What really makes these movies work, however, is the humor — specifically the humor that Downey seems to effortlessly generate in every scene he’s in. And this movie had it in spades.

Overall, IRON MAN 2 is a worthy follow-up to the original.

Lindsey came over yesterday evening for dinner and a movie. We made spaghetti with the help of the oh-so-delicious Kraft Tangy Italian seasoning mix. It is by far my favorite spaghetti sauce. Now if only they made it in a jar…sigh.

After eating tasty food, we watched FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. I’ve seen it five or six times, but Lindsey hadn’t. I didn’t mind watching it again because it is so fucking awesome. Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell are hot, the script is witty, and Jason Segal and the other performers give hilarious performances. And the movie features a musical about Dracula. Performed by puppets. It’s the best idea in the history of the world, I think. Except for perhaps Snuggie. If Jason Segal would actually make a fully-realized Dracula musical with puppets I would totally fly out to Los Angeles or New York or whererever to see it.

Speaking of Snuggies, Lindsey got a little chilly during the movie:

That’s right: I own a Snuggie. Sod off, if you don’t like it. At least I can read a book or lift weights without my arms getting cold.

Everyone has a list of Christmas movies/specials that they tend to watch from year-to-year, right? Shows like that annoying RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (just hand Rudolph some Sudafed and send his retarded ass packing), or A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS (one day Charlie Brown is going to show up with a roomsweeper, and all of his “friends” will immediately regret how they’ve treated him for the last sixty years).

Yeah, most of those Christmas specials suck. They’re cheesy and sappy, and generally involve the protagonist being shat upon by all the other characters, at least until the end, when everyone learns their lessons and become friends. They aren’t all bad or completely lacking in redeemable qualities, but they are a dime a dozen.

That said, here is my list of Christmas shows that I try to watch most years. The mix is somewhat eclectic, the sappiness is present but at a low, tolerable level, and the word “fuck” is used in three out of five of ‘em.

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS

The late Jim Varney made many awesome movies as Ernest P. Worrell before making quite a few awful ones. This is one of the awesomes. Santa is being forced out by the Powers That Be, and Ernest must help convince Santa’s successor that he has the Right Stuff to take on the job. Despite all the silly physical humor you would expect, this film has a number of witty ideas that are executed well.

HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

This one is a courtly tip o’ the hat to my childhood because, honestly, it’s quite dreadful to watch now. It’s saving grace is that, mercifully, it’s only 45 minutes long. I would try to recap its plot, which mixes Castle Grayskull with Santa Clause and Jesus, but Matt at X-Entertainment does a much better job. HM&SR:ACS has a number of “memorable” moments, including a truly sappy and awful Christmas song, but one of my favorite scenes is when Skeletor learns the true meaning of Christmas:

DIE HARD

Terrorists that are funny, Bruce Willis as the ultimate “normal guy” hero, and the best use of the word “fuck” ever in a Christmas movie — DIE HARD is hella-fuckin, balls-to-the-wall awesome. And who doesn’t tear up at the “Ho ho ho, now I have a machine gun” scene?

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION

My favorite Christmas movie, and a really great movie on its own. It is hilarious, eminently quotable, and illustrates not just how awesome Chevy Chase is, but how Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddy can steal the show from him:

If you haven’t seen CHRISTMAS VACATION, then I honestly don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you, and you need to watch it. Right now.

WHITE CHRISTMAS

As Clark Griswold would say, it’s the movie where “Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye.” The only truly traditional “old school” entry on my list, I generally watch this on Christmas Eve at my parents’ house. I have a fondness for films from the “golden era of Hollywood” anyway, so this one is quite watchable, and it shows that I’m not a completely cynical bastard.

I saw AVATAR over the weekend, and like I said on Twitter, “If THE LAST SAMURAI and FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST hooked up one night, AVATAR would be their delightful bastard spawn.”

It’s an okay movie, but seriously, James Cameron — was it really necessary to inflict the Papyrus font on us? Hasn’t it been used to death enough already? Wasn’t there a better choice of typeface available to you to use for AVATAR’s logo and subtitles other than a slight variation of fucking Papyrus?

For those who don’t know, Papyrus is one the most over-used fonts in the world. A day probably doesn’t go by that you won’t encounter Papyrus used on some form of sign, website, corporate logo, or product. A quick google actually reveals an entire website dedicated to the subject.

As gripes go, I suppose this is fairly small. AVATAR is pretty stunning. I just wish that at some point during the 14 years it took to make the film, someone would have had the balls to say,” Oh yeah. Totally sweet logo. Wait…doesn’t it kinda look a lot like the label on my delicious Snapple Red Tea?”

Or maybe there just wasn’t enough money left in the $350 million budget to buy a typeface that didn’t come with the standard Windows fontpack.

Sitting on the couch as I type this, and drinking tea. Was seated at the kitchen table earlier, clickety-clacketying away, but the window there apparently isn’t sealed as well as it should be, and it was starting to get a bit drafty.

THE NINTH GATE is playing on the TV, more for background noise than anything. I have seen it probably sixty times or so, and know much of it by heart.

(“You don’t like me very much, do you Mister Corso?”

“I don’t have to like you. You’re a client, and you pay well.”)

I have a strange love for THE NINTH GATE. It’s certainly not the best of Polanski’s films. CHINATOWN and ROSEMARY’S BABY would probably be considered those. Oh, and THE PIANIST (which I don’t care for particularly, but it did win a couple of Oscars and others seemed to really like it, so I suppose if should be included). CHINATOWN is one of my favorite films, and I’ve seen it several times. But it’s not a movie I’m compelled to watch on a regular basis. A viewing every couple of years is more than sufficient. I’ve only seen ROSEMARY’S BABY once, but that one time was very good.

But something about TNG (heh) keeps drawing me back to it time and again. It’s got a lot of things to like about it:

1) the marriage of the world of antiquarian bookselling with a supernatural story centered on the devil;
2) a noir atmosphere very reminiscent of CHINATOWN;
3) Polanski’s flawless directing;
4) Johnny Depp performing the main character as a bastard so well; and
5) last but not least, the wonderful book that the movie is based on: THE CLUB DUMAS, by Arturo Perez-Reverte.

So for many reasons, THE NINTH GATE is one of my favorite films, even though at this point it’s inadvertently become more of a comfort movie than anything. These days it tends to play in the background while I’m doing something else, such as it is today, or at night if I’m having trouble sleeping, rather than it being something I actively sit down to watch.

There is more I was going to write about, such as progress on my project of a novel-ish nature, as well as some thoughts on how I might start blogging in the future, but my knob-slobbering of THE NINTH GATE went on longer than I’d anticipated. So those will have to wait for future posts. Other things are now calling my attention.

Still ill. Not as bad yesterday, thank gods, but am still pretty un-good.

I didn’t go to work yesterday, as all I was really up for was sleeping and puking, and for some reason they frown on this at the job. Instead, while trying to kill brain and body with a number of drugs, I halfway watched 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA and THE LAST STARFIGHTER. I have seen both several times so I didn’t feel compelled to follow them very closely, which I think is always best when you’re sick. In fact I think I mostly listened to THE LAST STARFIGHTER as I was really out of it for that one.

After slogging my way through work today, my plans tonight consist of making instant mashed potatoes and trying to sit through INTO THE BLUE 2: THE REEF. It doesn’t appear that Paul “Dude, I’m not a buster, bro!” Walker is in this cleverly titled sequel, and I’m honestly not sure if that will make the movie better or worse.

Earlier this year Sarah and I got hammered and watched MAY, some lameass horror movie Sarah picked off of her infamous “horror movie spreadsheet.” It was terrible; the only cool aspect was Anna Faris, who played a hot lesbian. But even this wasn’t enough to elevate the movie to “watchable.”

Afterwords, we decided it would be a good idea to write a review for Amazon.com, so that others would be forewarned as to as to how crappy MAY was, and thus might not rent it. (Honestly, illegally downloading the movie wouldn’t even make the endeavor worthwhile.) Our review lasted about five minutes on Amazon, most likely due to the fact that there was a bunch of swearing and I likened watching the movie to watching a dragon fuck a car.

This morning I found a copy of that review on my lappy, buried for some reason in a sub-subfolder. So for your reading pleasure, I submit the following:

MAY was in two words, boring and terrible. Possibly not in that order. As I write this, I consider this movie to be one of the greatest debacles in Hollywood’s long, glorious history.

No, no. That’s giving the movie too much credit. I’d rather watch a video clip of a dragon having sex with a Honda (splooge and all) than this piece of shit, waste of a perfectly good 99 cent DVD.

Where was I?

Oh yes. MAY’s sole redeeming quality (and I do mean sole) is the half-hearted lesbian tryst. Anna Ferris is a total babe. In fact, if she were our president, she’d be Babraham Lincoln. And probably still a hell of a lot better than George W. Bush.

Seriously. Fuck this movie, and fuck you if you decide to watch it after this oh-so-eloquent review.

Really…fuck you.

That title is not really being fair to the new Bond movie, QUANTUM OF SOLACE; I just wanted to be like every film critic out there and make some sort of derogatory pun off the film’s title.

QUANTUM is actually a perfectly serviceable action movie, plenty full of chases, hand-to-hand fights, and choppy editing. It’s barely recognizable as a Bond film, though. Aside from the character’s name, penchant for banging attractive women he’s known all of five minutes, and wrinkly old, party-pooper M, Daniel Craig’s James Bond could really be any other tortured action hero out there. Like Jason Bourne.

And that’s where this movie ultimately fails. It so desperately wants to Be like the BOURNE movies it forgot what’s supposed to make it a James Bond movie: a sense of fun. Even during CASINO ROYALE, as dark and violent as it was, you never forgot you were watching a 007 movie. This was a new Bond, a younger, more violent and raw chap, but you felt like you were watching a Bond in training. In QUANTUM — the first direct sequel in the Bond pantheon — all of this is thrown out the window. Bond spends most of the film miserable and vengeful, intent on hunting down the organization that killed the only woman he ever loved in the first film.

In the end, he does succeed in bringing in the man responsible, but he’s not any happier for it, and certainly no closer to being the James Bond we’re used to seeing. Hopefully the next film — which I’m sure is already being planned — will change this.