And, of course, she is still, as the kids are calling it these days, hawt. It’s been fourteen years, I think, since I first saw her in HACKERS, and still I am in love after all this time.

I look forward to the sequel, which is supposed to feature Brad Pitt as Johannes Pepper, an Austrian sleeper agent who goes up against Jolie’s character.

I believe they’re going to call it SALT VS. PEPPER.

So instead I will share with you a video titled, “Advice for Young Girls from The Little Mermaid.” It features a starved-looking Ariel providing spectacularly spot-on advice to young girls, such as:

Don’t ever talk to a man until he kisses you on the lips first. Then, as a woman, you’re allowed.

Instead, I just want to point out that I find it incredibly funny that the special effects of INDEPENDENCE DAY, a film Emmerich made 14 years ago, look much, much more realistic than the special effects of 2012.

Why?

Because back in 1996, computer generated effects were just beginning to take off, so the filmmakers had to use the traditional method of miniatures and models to stage all of the scenes of the aliens nuking Earth (with a smattering of CGI for tweaks). This had a two-fold effect of forcing the effects teams to be much more creative in their depiction of the world-wide destruction, which they arguably pulled off quite well, and since they were using miniatures and models which actual exist in a physical state — and not just on a computer — they automatically look more “real.”

Whereas in 2012, in an era where CGI has become so common that it’s made many filmmakers lazy and uninspired in its usage, the effects are all-CGI-all-the-time, and, as a result, posses a soft, unreal, and plain fake feel about them, so all the scenes rendered of the Earth having its gigantic psychotic break and cutting itself end up lacking any emotion whatsoever. We are then sucked completely out of the movie, even if we don’t explicitly realize it.

I swear, the only two filmmakers in the last ten years who have been able to effectively use CGI on such a massive basis are Peter Jackson and James Cameron. I just wish the rest of Hollywood would wake the fuck up and take note.

I’m not going to go into the plot of the film or anything (you can read about that on Wikipedia), but I will say that it is a superbly crafted thriller, and Lisbeth, the punk main character played by Noomi Rapace, is one of the more uniquely compelling anti-heroines I’ve seen in the movies in a long time.

A quick note: it is a movie made by some damn foreigners from Sweden, so you’ll either need to watch it with the subtitles, or, if you prefer to be a lame doorknob, with the English dubbing. Me, I can’t stand to watch anything dubbed, as nothing will pull me out of a movie faster than dialogue not matching a character’s mouth.

I’ve yet to read the book that the movie is based on — though I did order it last night — since most movies are generally inferior to the original source material, and I like to enjoy the movie based on its own merits first.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO was so good, though, that now I’m curious to see how the book stacks up in comparison.

This would not normally be a big blip on my radar, but for one fact: the recently released teaser for the first season gives the impression that the show might actually be witty and, Zombie Christ help me, good.

The first episode premieres on July 12th on Cartoon Network. I may have to check it out, if only to see if it can live up to the teaser’s promise.

Each summer, the silver screen takes center stage. Our annual summer film series presents films from the classic era of Hollywood. A different Hollywood classic runs each weekend in July and August in the air-conditioned comfort of the Victoria Theatre.

I went to one of these a year or two ago, but I don’t recall what I saw. I think it might’ve been MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. It’s a fun time, though. The Victoria is a comfy theater, and there’s free popcorn and soda. Tickets are only five bucks, too, so it’s a good deal overall.

Nice to see CASABLANCA and ANIMAL HOUSE included on the list, and not just the typical, boring offerings like THE MUSIC MAN, MY FAIR LADY, and FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. Those are fine films, and I don’t believe any of them have been shown in the Cool Films of yesteryear . . . however, they’re also, in my opinion, the sort of stereotypical films that usually get included on lists of “classics” like the Cool Films series. Diversity is nice, is all I’m saying.

Hmm. Speaking of diversity, it seems the Victoria’s also stepped up this year and finally showing some old school summer blockbusters in the form of the INDIANA JONES trilogy. (Yes, I said “trilogy” and not “tetralogy.” As far as I’m concerned, the most recent Indy movie never happened.) I caught RAIDERS and TEMPLE last year when the Regal briefly flirted with airing films of yore, but wouldn’t mind seeing them again on the silver screen.

Good show, Victoria — you earned my business again. I full-well intend to hit up the Indy movies and CASABLANCA. Now if only they’d include JAWS and THE PRINCESS BRIDE in next year’s slate.

The theater was packed, and hot and sweaty inside. I don’t think they turned on the air conditioner until midway through the movie. We got there about an hour before it began, so I was able to observe a number of people as they entered the theater.

Man, was it a self-esteem boost.

Between this guy who had fantasy nerd long hair and was wearing sweatpants and a fanny pack, and a short fat Hobbit kid clad in a 6XL Dragonball t-shirt, I felt like even I could start beating people up and taking their lunch money if I wanted to. I’m sure they’re good people, though . . . good people whose lunch money could’ve been mine!

The film itself was very good, much better than I had anticipated. The casting was spot-on: Downey, Rourke, and Rockwell dominated the scenes they were in, and hell — even Scarlett Johansson was eminently believable as the Black Widow. (And hot. Boy, was she hot.) The pacing was excellent, especially compared to the first, which at times kind of dragged a bit (e.g., the terrorist camp scene, the big fight at the end). What really makes these movies work, however, is the humor — specifically the humor that Downey seems to effortlessly generate in every scene he’s in. And this movie had it in spades.

Overall, IRON MAN 2 is a worthy follow-up to the original.

After eating tasty food, we watched FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. I’ve seen it five or six times, but Lindsey hadn’t. I didn’t mind watching it again because it is so fucking awesome. Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell are hot, the script is witty, and Jason Segal and the other performers give hilarious performances. And the movie features a musical about Dracula. Performed by puppets. It’s the best idea in the history of the world, I think. Except for perhaps Snuggie. If Jason Segal would actually make a fully-realized Dracula musical with puppets I would totally fly out to Los Angeles or New York or whererever to see it.

Speaking of Snuggies, Lindsey got a little chilly during the movie:

That’s right: I own a Snuggie. Sod off, if you don’t like it. At least I can read a book or lift weights without my arms getting cold.

Yeah, most of those Christmas specials suck. They’re cheesy and sappy, and generally involve the protagonist being shat upon by all the other characters, at least until the end, when everyone learns their lessons and become friends. They aren’t all bad or completely lacking in redeemable qualities, but they are a dime a dozen.

That said, here is my list of Christmas shows that I try to watch most years. The mix is somewhat eclectic, the sappiness is present but at a low, tolerable level, and the word “fuck” is used in three out of five of ‘em.

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS

The late Jim Varney made many awesome movies as Ernest P. Worrell before making quite a few awful ones. This is one of the awesomes. Santa is being forced out by the Powers That Be, and Ernest must help convince Santa’s successor that he has the Right Stuff to take on the job. Despite all the silly physical humor you would expect, this film has a number of witty ideas that are executed well.

HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

This one is a courtly tip o’ the hat to my childhood because, honestly, it’s quite dreadful to watch now. It’s saving grace is that, mercifully, it’s only 45 minutes long. I would try to recap its plot, which mixes Castle Grayskull with Santa Clause and Jesus, but Matt at X-Entertainment does a much better job. HM&SR:ACS has a number of “memorable” moments, including a truly sappy and awful Christmas song, but one of my favorite scenes is when Skeletor learns the true meaning of Christmas:

DIE HARD

Terrorists that are funny, Bruce Willis as the ultimate “normal guy” hero, and the best use of the word “fuck” ever in a Christmas movie — DIE HARD is hella-fuckin, balls-to-the-wall awesome. And who doesn’t tear up at the “Ho ho ho, now I have a machine gun” scene?

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION

My favorite Christmas movie, and a really great movie on its own. It is hilarious, eminently quotable, and illustrates not just how awesome Chevy Chase is, but how Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddy can steal the show from him:

If you haven’t seen CHRISTMAS VACATION, then I honestly don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you, and you need to watch it. Right now.

WHITE CHRISTMAS

As Clark Griswold would say, it’s the movie where “Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye.” The only truly traditional “old school” entry on my list, I generally watch this on Christmas Eve at my parents’ house. I have a fondness for films from the “golden era of Hollywood” anyway, so this one is quite watchable, and it shows that I’m not a completely cynical bastard.

It’s an okay movie, but seriously, James Cameron — was it really necessary to inflict the Papyrus font on us? Hasn’t it been used to death enough already? Wasn’t there a better choice of typeface available to you to use for AVATAR’s logo and subtitles other than a slight variation of fucking Papyrus?

For those who don’t know, Papyrus is one the most over-used fonts in the world. A day probably doesn’t go by that you won’t encounter Papyrus used on some form of sign, website, corporate logo, or product. A quick google actually reveals an entire website dedicated to the subject.

As gripes go, I suppose this is fairly small. AVATAR is pretty stunning. I just wish that at some point during the 14 years it took to make the film, someone would have had the balls to say,” Oh yeah. Totally sweet logo. Wait…doesn’t it kinda look a lot like the label on my delicious Snapple Red Tea?”

Or maybe there just wasn’t enough money left in the $350 million budget to buy a typeface that didn’t come with the standard Windows fontpack.