Though I think a far more worthier mission would be sending him back in time to stop TERMINATOR 3 and TERMINATOR SALVATION from ever having been made, but that’s a horse of a different color. Whatever that means.

[Via Pundit Kitchen]

Spending some time in the café at Barnes and Noble, attempting to get back on track with the Project of a Novelish Nature.

I’m sitting next to a wire rack filled to the brim with SparkNotes, a study aid similar to the hallowed CliffsNotes. It’s odd to think that when I first encountered SparkNotes back in 2000 or 2001, it was merely one small section on the website formerly known as TheSpark.com. The Spark, among other things, featured such scholarly pursuits as the “The Fat Project” and “The Stinky Feet Project” (both of which can still be found at OKCupid, a sort of successor site to The Spark.)

That’s right: the line of study guides students now use instead of reading assigned books for school was co-founded by a guy who once went two weeks with his feet wrapped in plastic bags to see if he could get athlete’s foot, and then documented the experience for the Internet.

I wonder if Cliff Hillegass could top that?

I’m not even gonna preface it, but to say this: you must read through — and withhold all judgment — until the end.

[Link via Scalzi]

Ah, Japan. You are the gift that keeps on giving.

A quick google reveals that this is from an actual show in Japan, one called THE ANCIENT DOGOO GIRL, and it took over ULTRAMAN’s primetime slot last fall.

That’s right. This shit airs in primetime over in Japan.

It’s hard to say what I like the most about this clip. Is it Dogu-chan’s weaponized breasts which magically incinerate the koi ogre? No.

It’s also not the part where Dogu-chan handily defeats the mob of frightened townspeople horny menfolk pissed off because she’s destroyed the only thing that could give them koi (passion). She doesn’t incinerate them, though; her rack-of-all trades also comes equipped with stun beams, and allows her to simply knock them all out — much like Mantenna could do on SHE-RA: PRINCESS OF POWER. Except he used his eyes, not his boobz.

No, my favorite part of this clip comes at the very end, which finds our heroine celebrating the victory with friends over a bowl of rice, and she eats the fucking chopsticks.

Hey, Japan — we’ll trade you a DANCING WITH THE STARS or AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL for this one.

Let me know.

Well, this is interesting.

It seems that two guys by the name of Elton Jaundice and Cornelius Talmadge — and who are in no way whatsoever myself and Nate — have launched a web site called There Are Four Lights, where they are posting something called “Star Trek Interludes.”

The site appears to have started up last summer some time, but didn’t actually start updating till last month. Jaundice attempted to explain what was going on, though he was a bit cagey and mysterious about it:

Starting tomorrow, the sordid tales that bear the moniker“”Star Trek Interludes””will begin to make their way to the Web for your filthy enjoyment. Assuming I am not incarcerated, a new Interlude should be posted to the tune of once a week, most likely on Wednesday or Thursday. There is a vast archive of Interludes, some quite old, so this endeavor should be able to proceed for some time. Tomorrow’s is fittingly themed around the tired “holiday” of St. Patrick’s Day still celebrated by the ignorant masses.

Also: my cohort, Mister Cornelius Talmadge, will not be posting any of the Interludes for the foreseeable future, even though many of them were written by him. The reasons are various and sundry, but mostly revolve around the fact that his current whereabouts are unknown. My sincerest hope is that, much like myself, he is simply living “off the grid,”” so to speak, and is in good health and spirits. Still, doubts as to his safety linger, as the last time anyone saw him was well before Hallowe’en, by a bartender at a pub Rio de Janeiro.

He goes on for a bit longer, but it’s a little convoluted, so if you want to read more, I suggest you visit the site.

A new Interlude went up earlier today. Here is a brief excerpt:

(Recovered from the Hello Kitty diary of Cornelius Talmadge.)

“I got dem blues,” wailed Worf. “I got dem Tactical monitoring, Picard bossin’-around blues. I got dem –”

“Shut up, Worf!” shouted Picard. “I swear by everything holy that I’ll hang your sorry Klingon ass on my wall if you don’t shut the fuck up now!”

“Sorry, sir. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your little sissy parade.”

“That’s it.” Picard stood up and ran to the viewscreen. He turned, and performed a Super-Twisty Flying Kick. He sailed through the air, finally impacting into Worf’s face.

“Augh! There’s a rock in your shoe!” Worf began to cry.

Picard put his hand on Worf’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“You didn’t have to kick me so hard.”

“Look, let’s go play Parise Squares in the holodeck.”

“Really?” Worf looked up.

“Yep. We can even knock out Riker and use him for target practice.”

“Hey!” Riker yelled.

“Thanks.”

“Anything for my Number One friend.”

Eh, this one was pretty good. There are better ones, however — at least in my opinion — over at the site. Overall, I’d say the whole endeavor seems promising.

Looks like they also have a Facebook page dedicated to the Interludes. I decided to throw them a bone and joined it. Because I’m a nice guy.

Finally! Today’s xkcd imagines a Hell I can behind.

Over on Flickr, a user by the name of Pargon has a set up called “Teabonics”:

These are signs seen primarily at Tea Party Protests. They all feature “creative” spelling or grammar. This new dialect of the English language shall be known as “Teabonics.”

Not much going on around the Josh Bales Compound lately, save for writing and job hunting and not being on the Internet. So what better way to make it look like I’m blogging than by sharing a couple of videos?

“The 160 Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Quotes” is one of the more awesome things I’ve come across lately.

No one in the history of cinema owns as many hilariously cheesy one-liners as the current governor of California: Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s made a career out of making his audiences cringe with delight, from Conan the Barbarian to Batman & Robin to Kindergarten Cop and two Terminator movies, Arnie has delivered some of the most painfully memorable lines in movie history.

The montage is ten rapturous minutes long, and worth every minute:

Verizon has a new commercial out promoting its purportedly excellent 3G coverage. That in and of itself isn’t interesting, but since this ad parodies those Big Red Gum commercials from the 80s (yeah, you remember those), it is bloody excellent:

I’ve yet to actually see it on TV, but that isn’t too surprising as I don’t watch any television that’s not DVR’d. But if more ads dredged up and molested my childhood memories like this one, maybe I would.

And because nostalgia demands it, here’s one of the aforementioned 80s-era Big Red commercials:

Dating is Miserable is one of the funnier blogs I read, and one of the awesome few I follow on Google Reader. Its proprietor, Amanda C, writes with much wit, and has zero qualms about sharing some of her more awkward and crazy dating experiences. And she appears cute to boot, which has nothing to do with her writing qualities, but is always cool to know.

Clicking about her blog some today, I discovered a post from several months back wherein she wrote about a date she went on with a guy she codenamed “Brohammer.” Leaving aside the fact that Brohammer is one of the greatest names ever, he proceeded to relate to Amanda what is probably the craziest first date story that I have ever heard:

Brohammer went to college in Indiana. With not much to do in Indiana he often turned to the early version of what we now call “dah intrawebz” for entertainment, mainly chat rooms. One day he met a girl online who was pretty much the female version of himself. After days of talking they finally exchanged pictures and after “about 10 minutes of waiting for the picture to download” he discovered not only was she smart and funny, she was also stunningly beautiful. Brohammer immediately asked her out, she agreed, and plans were made for dinner and a movie the following Friday.

He rang the bell to her home at precisely 7:00 PM as they had agreed and stood anxiously waiting to meet his dream girl. A tad surprised doesn’t even begin to sum up how shocked he was when a middle aged couple opened the door and greeted him with hugs and “Oh so YOU are Brohammer! It’s so nice to finally meet you!”. He was ushered into the living room where “20 minutes of the most awkward conversation I’ve ever experienced took place”. Turns out this middle aged couple were his date’s parents. “They just kept thanking me for taking her out and told me how nice I was to spend time with her. I was completely confused.”. Finally, the mom called for Brohammer’s date to hurry. Brohammer stared up the large staircase now no longer sure what to expect and slightly dreading what was about to come down. Which is why his jaw completely dropped when from next to the stairs rolled his date. Yes, in the course of all their conversations she had never once mentioned she was a double amputee from about the mid-thigh region and in a wheelchair.

The ending of this little tale is made of total WIN. I won’t spoil it, but needless to say, if a chick ever invites me to see her back yard on a first date, I will decline.