So instead I will share with you a video titled, “Advice for Young Girls from The Little Mermaid.” It features a starved-looking Ariel providing spectacularly spot-on advice to young girls, such as:

Don’t ever talk to a man until he kisses you on the lips first. Then, as a woman, you’re allowed.

The company’s sense of humor is pretty demented, and almost always LOL-inducing, as evidenced by the write-up for this shirt. The letter that Woot CEO Matt Rutledge sent out to employees announcing the company had been bought was in the same whimsical tradition, and very entertaining. The first sentence alone sets the tone for the rest:

I know I say this every time I find a picture of an adorable kitten, but please set aside 20 minutes to carefully read this entire email.

Definitely one of the better “Hey, we’ve been acquired by another company” letters ever.

Though I think a far more worthier mission would be sending him back in time to stop TERMINATOR 3 and TERMINATOR SALVATION from ever having been made, but that’s a horse of a different color. Whatever that means.

[Via Pundit Kitchen]

I’m sitting next to a wire rack filled to the brim with SparkNotes, a study aid similar to the hallowed CliffsNotes. It’s odd to think that when I first encountered SparkNotes back in 2000 or 2001, it was merely one small section on the website formerly known as TheSpark.com. The Spark, among other things, featured such scholarly pursuits as the “The Fat Project” and “The Stinky Feet Project” (both of which can still be found at OKCupid, a sort of successor site to The Spark.)

That’s right: the line of study guides students now use instead of reading assigned books for school was co-founded by a guy who once went two weeks with his feet wrapped in plastic bags to see if he could get athlete’s foot, and then documented the experience for the Internet.

I wonder if Cliff Hillegass could top that?

[Link via Scalzi]

Ah, Japan. You are the gift that keeps on giving.

A quick google reveals that this is from an actual show in Japan, one called THE ANCIENT DOGOO GIRL, and it took over ULTRAMAN’s primetime slot last fall.

That’s right. This shit airs in primetime over in Japan.

It’s hard to say what I like the most about this clip. Is it Dogu-chan’s weaponized breasts which magically incinerate the koi ogre? No.

It’s also not the part where Dogu-chan handily defeats the mob of frightened townspeople horny menfolk pissed off because she’s destroyed the only thing that could give them koi (passion). She doesn’t incinerate them, though; her rack-of-all trades also comes equipped with stun beams, and allows her to simply knock them all out — much like Mantenna could do on SHE-RA: PRINCESS OF POWER. Except he used his eyes, not his boobies.

No, my favorite part of this clip comes at the very end, which finds our heroine celebrating the victory with friends over a bowl of rice, and she eats the fucking chopsticks.

Hey, Japan — we’ll trade you a DANCING WITH THE STARS or AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL or something for this one.

Let me know.

It seems that two guys by the name of Elton Jaundice and Cornelius Talmadge — and who are in no way whatsoever myself and Nate — have launched a web site called There Are Four Lights, where they are posting something called “Star Trek Interludes.”

The site appears to have started up last summer some time, but didn’t actually start updating till last month. Jaundice attempted to explain what was going on, though he was a bit cagey and mysterious about it:

Starting tomorrow, the sordid tales that bear the moniker“”Star Trek Interludes””will begin to make their way to the Web for your filthy enjoyment. Assuming I am not incarcerated, a new Interlude should be posted to the tune of once a week, most likely on Wednesday or Thursday. There is a vast archive of Interludes, some quite old, so this endeavor should be able to proceed for some time. Tomorrow’s is fittingly themed around the tired “holiday” of St. Patrick’s Day still celebrated by the ignorant masses.

Also: my cohort, Mister Cornelius Talmadge, will not be posting any of the Interludes for the foreseeable future, even though many of them were written by him. The reasons are various and sundry, but mostly revolve around the fact that his current whereabouts are unknown. My sincerest hope is that, much like myself, he is simply living “off the grid,”” so to speak, and is in good health and spirits. Still, doubts as to his safety linger, as the last time anyone saw him was well before Hallowe’en, by a bartender at a pub Rio de Janeiro.

He goes on for a bit longer, but it’s a little convoluted, so if you want to read more, I suggest you visit the site.

A new Interlude went up earlier today. Here is a brief excerpt:

(Recovered from the Hello Kitty diary of Cornelius Talmadge.)

“I got dem blues,” wailed Worf. “I got dem Tactical monitoring, Picard bossin’-around blues. I got dem –”

“Shut up, Worf!” shouted Picard. “I swear by everything holy that I’ll hang your sorry Klingon ass on my wall if you don’t shut the fuck up now!”

“Sorry, sir. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your little sissy parade.”

“That’s it.” Picard stood up and ran to the viewscreen. He turned, and performed a Super-Twisty Flying Kick. He sailed through the air, finally impacting into Worf’s face.

“Augh! There’s a rock in your shoe!” Worf began to cry.

Picard put his hand on Worf’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“You didn’t have to kick me so hard.”

“Look, let’s go play Parise Squares in the holodeck.”

“Really?” Worf looked up.

“Yep. We can even knock out Riker and use him for target practice.”

“Hey!” Riker yelled.

“Thanks.”

“Anything for my Number One friend.”

Eh, this one was pretty good. There are better ones, however — at least in my opinion — over at the site. Overall, I’d say the whole endeavor seems promising.

Looks like they also have a Facebook page dedicated to the Interludes. I decided to throw them a bone and joined it. Because I’m a nice guy.

These are signs seen primarily at Tea Party Protests. They all feature “creative” spelling or grammar. This new dialect of the English language shall be known as “Teabonics.”