Everyone has a list of Christmas movies/specials that they tend to watch from year-to-year, right? Shows like that annoying RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (just hand Rudolph some Sudafed and send his retarded ass packing), or A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS (one day Charlie Brown is going to show up with a roomsweeper, and all of his “friends” will immediately regret how they’ve treated him for the last sixty years).
Yeah, most of those Christmas specials suck. They’re cheesy and sappy, and generally involve the protagonist being shat upon by all the other characters, at least until the end, when everyone learns their lessons and become friends. They aren’t all bad or completely lacking in redeemable qualities, but they are a dime a dozen.
That said, here is my list of Christmas shows that I try to watch most years. The mix is somewhat eclectic, the sappiness is present but at a low, tolerable level, and the word “fuck” is used in three out of five of ‘em.
The late Jim Varney made many awesome movies as Ernest P. Worrell before making quite a few awful ones. This is one of the awesomes. Santa is being forced out by the Powers That Be, and Ernest must help convince Santa’s successor that he has the Right Stuff to take on the job. Despite all the silly physical humor you would expect, this film has a number of witty ideas that are executed well.
HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
This one is a courtly tip o’ the hat to my childhood because, honestly, it’s quite dreadful to watch now. It’s saving grace is that, mercifully, it’s only 45 minutes long. I would try to recap its plot, which mixes Castle Grayskull with Santa Clause and Jesus, but Matt at X-Entertainment does a much better job. HM&SR:ACS has a number of “memorable” moments, including a truly sappy and awful Christmas song, but one of my favorite scenes is when Skeletor learns the true meaning of Christmas:
He-man and She-Ra Christmas Special
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Terrorists that are funny, Bruce Willis as the ultimate “normal guy” hero, and the best use of the word “fuck” ever in a Christmas movie — DIE HARD is hella-fuckin, balls-to-the-wall awesome. And who doesn’t tear up at the “Ho ho ho, now I have a machine gun” scene?
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION
My favorite Christmas movie, and a really great movie on its own. It is hilarious, eminently quotable, and illustrates not just how awesome Chevy Chase is, but how Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddy can steal the show from him:
If you haven’t seen CHRISTMAS VACATION, then I honestly don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you, and you need to watch it. Right now.
As Clark Griswold would say, it’s the movie where “Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye.” The only truly traditional “old school” entry on my list, I generally watch this on Christmas Eve at my parents’ house. I have a fondness for films from the “golden era of Hollywood” anyway, so this one is quite watchable, and it shows that I’m not a completely cynical bastard.
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