“Today is a great day for the Totalitarian States of America, as the president was assassinated by a well-placed Banana Bomb, Concrete Donkey and Salvation Army Lady, dropped by a Spider-man-ninja-rope rebel worm. He would have been succeeded by his vice president, but since he was, um, holding both offices at once, the position fell to the Speaker of the House. So like now we have two spots to fill. Fuck.”

And yes I’ll take your Chief of Staff, as long as there’s sexual debauchery to be had and impeached for.

Mmmm, peaches.

How about you be my Chief of Staff? The Karl rove to my Dubya. The VP position has been filled already — I’m going to be holding that position concurrently while President.

JAB

We could just put it on the desk, and when you give speeches and shit, people would be able to see it and they’d be like “Oh, I really relate to what he’s saying because he plays video games like any average Joe.”

You know, cause the public is retarded like that.

As far as the Democrats go, I honestly believe that they can’t do any worse than the Republicans have done.

Speaking of crazed Texans, I hear-tell that Jeb Bush, the current governor of Florida and brother to Bush II, is considering a run for President. Now wouldn’t that be fun.

JAB

Lindsey, you can be . . . um, in charge of Homeland Security. Your bubbly and talkative self will throw off all the insurgents that my administration will inevitably have to deal with.

Press Secretary is you, B. You can make the Press Corp cry.

Hmm . . . Nick. Perhaps the Attorney General? You canhelp me contain the Constitution.

Nate, I think you’d be perfect heading up the Department of Education. A sort of irony in that, eh? Perhaps you could hold a dual-position and also be in charge of the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

I also need a Secretary of War. Any takers?

JAB