You know what I find really disturbing that people do on MySpace? (Aside from their total inability to use proper grammar and spelling.) When people list in their profile that their hero is “Jesus Christ,” that their favorite book is “the Bible.” How one of their interests is “growing my faith.” How “if you don’t know Jesus I would love to talk to you about him with you lol.” This apparent lack of regard for my delicate sensibilities when it comes to religion offends me.

I’m not sure why people being all up in my grill when it comes to their heathen gods bothers me so much, but it sure as hell does. After all, I don’t blatantly advertise on my profile that I’m an atheistic agnostic who thinks Jesus would be more into playing Tiger Woods golf with me on Nate’s 360 than in saving my immortal soul. Shit, I bet that cagey motherfucker could do both if he really wanted to. But if he did start bringing up religion with me, I’d be like, “Jesus Christ, man, not you too? Lay off that shit already.” And he’d raise his hands and say, “It’s cool, it’s cool, bro.” (In my mind, Jesus Christ talks like Paul Walker.) Then my Hulk Hogan character would proceed to beat the goddamn life out of his character, which would undoubtedly be a hot chick ’cause that’s how Jesus rolls. Of course, it stands to reason that his character would probably rise from the dead and ultimately win . . . not.

I know I’ve become more tolerant of such misplaced fervor over the last few years, but it’s still certainly off-putting when you check out someone’s profile and their first interest is “reading the Bible (even though i despise reading.” Actually, it does more than put me off — it pisses me off. The message here is that “purposeful and willing ignorance is teh rox0rs!” What kills me is that, sure, it’s okay to worship on the altar of a dead prophet and be ignorant and hate reading. Fine. But then these people gush about how much they love “Family Guy?” Where the fuck is the sense in that tangled web of stupidity?

The crowning touch for such people if they constantly refer to book, movies, and pretty much anything they don’t like as “gay.” I swear, this one kid’s profile referred to a number of things as “this gay book” and “this the gay movie.” Clearly such people are homophobes, which in itself is quite ironic, and never ceases to amaze me: Professing your undying love and fealty to a man who, according to pretty much every source, was probably one hell of a tolerant and peaceful guy . . . and then bitching about how fags disgust you. I think it lets you sum up most of the Western religions in one nice, neat word:

Hypocritical.

JAB