Instead of doing long reviews for only one movie, I thought I’d try something different today and review four movies I’ve seen recently. I think I shall proceed from worst to awesomest.

DUNE: THE EXTENDED EDITION — This was easily the worst of the bunch. I said in my last post that I probably wouldn’t understand what the fuck was going on, even though I’d read the first book, and guess what? I was right. This movie is a piece of crap. Aside from the pretty looking scenery and effects, everything else sucks. The acting and dialogue are so over dramatic and poorly performed that I couldn’t believe I’d waited to see the extended edition. At least if I’d watched the theatrical version, I’d have back an extra hour of my life. The guy that plays Paul Atreides is the most horribly miscast of the lot, though no one else seems really at home in their part, with the exception of the always awesome Jean-Luc Picard Patrick Stewart. But for Paul they cast some doughy-looking kid who reminded me of the Kid That Looks Like Todd. This kid doesn’t look like he could lead a two-step, let alone the Jihad. Between his incessant whining and the incestuous looks he kept throwing at his mother, the Lady Jessica, I found myself hating him by the end of the movie. Throw in a lame knifefight at the end of the movie against Sting and characters stating thoughts via voiceover, and I bet watching this movie is what killed Frank Herbert. One star.

SAW II — The next to worst movie. If you ever saw the original Saw, then this is just a riff on that but with more characters in an even more contrived ending — “original,” my ass. Stereotypical characters you hate, no nudity, a lame villain(s), no nudity, and a premise that is so horribly flawed combine to make Saw II utterly pointless and not worth your time. While not as bad as Devil’s Rejects or — shudder — Doom, this still remains just another additional, mediocre entry into the very tired horror genre. One and a half stars.

JAWS — Finally a movie that didn’t eat a big dick. All horror movie writers, directors, producers, and actors — get out some paper and take some fucking notes. Despite feeling a little dated, this movie has all the elements of a good horror movie and was made long before horror movies became gay. It contains protagonists that are unique and that you actually care for, follows the “less is more route” when it comes to showing the “monster,” and establishes an even pacing with the novel concept of rising suspense. One of the elements, I think, that made older horror movies better is that they chose not to show everything. They let the audience use their imaginations, e.g., forcing us to visualize what the shark looks like while devouring the victim with our minds. Personally, I find this method to be more effective and much scarier. If Jaws were made today, it would be rated R, the shark would be visible in every scene, and I’d be inundated with quick flashcuts (which I fucking can’t stand anymore) of it eating every victim in grotesque detail. It would probably star Samuel Jackson as the cop, some grizzled guy as Quint the boat captain, and Paul Walker as the oceanographer who calls everyone “bro.” Sadly, the Jaws of tomorrow would inevitably be a worthless viewing experience, pretty much like every other horror movie that comes out these days. Three stars.

THE MATADOR — Fuck Pierce Brosnan as James Bond — he’s much better as a bisexual hitman suffering through a mid-life crisis. Pair him with a normal, nice-guy business man (played by Greg Kinnear in a nicely non-obnoxious and sincere performance) and you’ve got comedy gold! Seriously, this film sort of reminds me in its tone of Gross Pointe Blank, another great movie about a hitman having some issues. In The Matador, there is one exciting scene that particularly stands out: when Brosnan and Kinnear first hang out at a bullfight, and the former tells the latter just what he does for a living. When Kinnear doesn’t believe him, Brosnan shows him how exactly he would kill a stranger in a cool and funny sequence. Furthermore, the movie ends well, which kind of surprised me. I figured it was gonna be one of those “everybody dies and by everybody I mean Pierce Brosnan” endings, or one where Brosnan slowly morphs into the bad guy, like in Falling Down. But it didn’t, and it rocks much harder because of it. Throw the horns for this one, baby! Three and a half stars.

JAB