I was sitting at Tim Horton’s today, drinking my $1.55 mocha, when these two old guys sit at the table next to me. They immediately start bitching about how Tim Horton’s parking lot is full of cars that belong to Buffalo Wild Wings’ patrons. For those who aren’t familiar with Englewood, BW3′s parking lot has about twenty spaces, and — especially on Tuesday, when wings are like thirty cents — that’s really not a lot of room. So the overflow goes to Tim Horton’s. TH has maybe two or three cars in their parking lot at any given time.

These old guys, who to me physically resembled Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon, kept talking loudly at people who’d park in TH’s parking lot, then go to BW3′s. It was pretty distracting, though amusing. I’m just glad I was already 95% done with the work I wanted to accomplish. Then they started lamenting how BW3 is hurting Bolt’s (an older, similar, and superior restaurant across the street), and how the food is better there. These are both sentiments I agree with. Bolt’s is awesome.

Suddenly I found myself nodding in agreement with the old timers. There was a small pause as both men silently drank their coffee.

“You know,” Walter said, “someone should just set fire to Buffalo’s.”

I nearly spit out my mocha.

“What the hell did you say?” Jack said, regarding his friend in disbelief. “You want to set fire to Buffalo’s?”

Walter shook his head. “No, no. I said someone, not me.”

A long moment. “What the hell, Scotty?” asked Jack.

“If someone set it on fire, then everything would be better. Bolt’s business would pick up, and people’d stop parking at this guy’s place.” (He kept referring to Tim Horton’s as though Tim himself were actually there and cared enough to fight the parking lot injustice.)

“Okay,” Jack said, still a little disconcerted. “Whatever you say. Just seems a little harsh to me.”

I left shortly thereafter, but thinking about it now, I agree with Mr. Matthau. Someone should make the world a better place and set fire to that wretched eatery. So how ’bout it, Jason? Up for some arson?

JAB