I was watching some TV yesterday morning before I went to work. It was like 7:20ish or so and FOX was rerunning old episodes of “Captain Planet.” Talk about a show that’s major aim is to indoctrinate children. In the episode I watched, some bad guys — who kept referring to the Planeteers as “eco-dorks” and other assorted words prefaced with “eco” — were driving huge four-wheelers around in the desert, which according to the Planeteer’s leader, Guinan, was “ruining the desert and setting it back over 1000 years.” So the Planeteers — or as I like to call them, “eco-terrorists” or “eco-nazis” — summon Captain Planet who stops the bad guys and takes their expensive-looking vehicles away to be recycled. Sexually energized by their harrowing victory, the Planeteers then retire back to their lair and have an orgy. This last part wasn’t part of the episode, but from the gay banter I think it can be reasonably inferred.

Now as you all know, I lean much more heavily towards liberalism than conservatism. But this show’s message offended me. Sure, the antagonists were characterized as flat-out villains, but the Planeteers came off as meddlesome zealots who have no ability to empathize with the other side. Captain Planet himself is a big bully, a tool used by the extremist, nature-worshipping left to do their bidding, which basically is to stop the right at all costs. In fact, I think if the cabal of Planeteers used their magic rings to order Captain Planet to kill the four-wheeling idiots, he’d willingly do so. To save the desert. I think “eco-nazis” can accurately describe Der Fuhrer Planet and the Secret Planeteer Police.

And, of course, it’s not just the environmentally-conscious yet emotionally-disturbed left that is trying to inculcate Saturday-morning-cartoon watching kids. The religious right has its own conditioning to instill.

In the middle of being assaulted by Captain Planet, a series of commercials run. The first couple of ads are for toys and such. And then this one innocuously starts:

A teenage girl — a little overweight, a little punk-ish/goth-ish — is sitting alone in a coffeeshop (for the sake of this writing, let’s call her Devi). Devi is reading a magazine and looking more than a little depressed. A half-empty cup of coffee sets on the table.

In comes another girl (we’ll call her Suzie), presumably Devi’s friend, who sits down at the table. Suzie is thin, wears very little visible make-up, dresses conservatively, and looks all-around cheerful and happy.

SUZIE (smiling): “WHATCHA READING?”

DEVI (an unfulfilled look on her face): “MAGAZINE. READ ANYTHING GOOD LATELY?”

SUZIE: “ACTUALLY, I HAVE.”

Suzie reaches into her handbag and pulls out a book which she places on the table.

Devi looks at the book, interest lighting up on her face.

DEVI: “OH WOW.”

SUZIE (smiling again): “IT’S THE BOOK OF MORMON. IT’S ANOTHER TESTAMENT OF JESUS CHRIST. I STARTED READING IT A FEW WEEKS AGO. EVER SINCE, I’VE BEEN HAPPIER, MUCH NICER TO OTHERS, AND, IN GENERAL, MORE AT PEACE.”

Devi looks even more interested.

DEVI: “GO ON.”

Suzie starts to talk again, but we don’t hear it because of the voice-over.

VOICEOVER: “TO OBTAIN YOUR FREE COPY OF THE BOOK OF MORMON, TALK TO A NEIGBOR WHO BELONGS TO THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS, OR CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. DISCOVER THE SPIRITUAL AND PERSONAL FULFILLMENT PROVIDED BY THE BOOK OF MORMON TODAY.”

…and the commercial ends. It’s pretty basic. To a kid watching, the punk/goth and let’s not forget fat girl is unhappy with her life. The thin, normal-looking girl walks in and is clearly happy. She lays out the Book of Mormon, delivers her pitch, and suddenly, the fat girl seems intrigued, and the audience is inclined to thing it’s probably that she will too become happy. “The Book of Mormon will make you thin, happy, and probably more popular” is the message kids will be walking away with.

Religion has its purposes, I understand. Not for me perhaps, but for the majority of people it works. I just don’t think religions should be pandering to children on TV, and certainly not Mormons. Not that I’m picking on Mormons, or ever have in the past. Parents should be the ones introducing their kids to religion, and most definitely not force it upon them. Religion has absolutely zero place outside the family. It doesn’t belong in the government, schools, and kids’ Saturday morning cartoons.

However, if you read the subtext in the commercial, I think you can read an entirely different message from the commercial….

A teenage girl — a little overweight, a little punk-ish/goth-ish — is sitting alone in a coffeeshop (for the sake of this writing, let’s call her Devi). Devi is reading a magazine and looking more than a little depressed. A half-empty cup of coffee sets on the table.

In comes another girl (we’ll call her Suzie), presumably Devi’s friend, who sits down at the table. Suzie is thin, wears very little visible make-up, dresses conservatively, and looks all-around cheerful and happy.

“Whatcha reading?” Suzie asks, sitting down and smiling.

“Magazine,” Devi replies disinterestedly. Then clearly realizing she has nothing in common with the girl sitting across from her, she lamely asks, “So…read anything good lately?”

Suzie is still cheerfully smiling, oblivious to the fact that the “project” she is sharing a table with is starting to find her toothy grin discomforting. “Actually, I have.” She reaches into her hideously oversized handbag and pulls an oversized book, which she sets upon the table with an audible thump. Suzie’s grin, if physically possible, becomes even wider.

“Uh, wow,” Devi mutters, unable to remove her eyes from the massive tome. Guess it’s too much to hope that she’d have the Necronomicon in her purse, she thinks.

Inside Devi’s a bit torn — partially relieved that she has something to look at other than Suzie’s skeletal smile, but also disturbed that the fucking Book of Mormon is in front of her. Absently, she reaches over and takes a drink of her coffee.

“It’s the Book of Mormon,” Suzie says, as though Devi is incapable of reading — after all, she is a Godless heathen. “It’s another testament of Jesus Christ. I started reading it a few weeks ago. Ever since, I’ve been happier, much nicer to others, and, in general, more at peace.” Her smile now seemingly occupies the entire lower portion of her face. The Cheshire cat would have nothing on her, indeed would probably be terrified of her visage.

This is at least how it seems to Devi, but it could be otherwise — her thoughts are currently too muddled to process much of anything. Except strangely enough, Suzie’s soothingly hypnotic voice.

“Go on,” Devi intones dreamily, picking up the book. She drinks some more coffee.

Eyes carefully watching Devi, Suzie suggests: “Why don’t we go hang out today? We could go to my chur — my friends’ place. They’re all neat people, and we can play all sorts of fun games!”

“Okay.” Devi’s eyes are completely clouded, her brain mushy, pliable. She likes Suzie. Suzie makes sense. Devi likes games too.

“Let’s go.” Suzie stands up and moves around the table to help Devi stand. “Don’t forget your coffee,” Suzie says.

One arm clutching the Book of Mormon, Devi picks up her drink before Suzie leads her away. “Coffee’s good,” Devi says, taking another drink, completely unaware that she’s been ingesting a large dose of sodium pentothal surreptitiously placed there earlier by Suzie.

See? Clearly, Mormons like to employ some insidious recruiting methods.

Basically, as I grow older, I find that extremism in any form is just stupid. Neo-conservatives, far-left liberals, religious zealots, environmental nazis — they’re all idiots. That’s basically my point. That, and they all should stay the fuck away from Saturday morning cartoons.

To quote Maud Flanders: “Will somebody please think about the children!”

JAB