Finally, finally I have finished “Thirty Well Spent.”

It’s twice as long as I initially thought it would be, and the tone has changed substantially — not to mention the original ending — but it’s done! Once I do an edit of it in a week or so, I’ll post part of it for you all to read and tear to shreds love.

Oh man, there is no high I love more than being creatively fulfilled. Goddamn, I am never gonna be able to sleep tonight.

JAB

In preparation for seeing Land of the Dead with Sarah later this week, I watched Day of the Dead tonight. It was good, a hell of a lot better than the original Dawn of the Dead, but I have to admit: it made me a little nauseous. Usually gore has little to no effect on me. I might find it a little disturbing, but more often that not I think its funny. But man, the way those zombies were tearing apart the military guys at the end of the movie…it made me a little queasy. That said, I am really looking forward to Land of the Dead. I’ve read several reviews, and it’s supposed to be Romero’s best zombie flick to date.

Additionally, I saw Bruce Campbell’s new movie last night. Titled The Man with the Screaming Brain, it was interesting, but a lot of it was pointless and made no sense. Still, it was Bruce Campbell, so you have to at least like the movie then on some level. What made the night memorable, however, was meeting the man — “Bruce!!” — himself.

Mr. Campbell was in attendance last night at the Neon, introducing the movie and answering asinine questions posed to him by retarded fans (“Mr. Campbell, were you raised to be sarcastic?” What the fuck?). He was pretty damn funny, and Nick even managed to get a picture taken with him (lucky fucker). Why was Bruce Campbell in Dayton, Ohio of all places? Not because it rocks, since clearly it doesn’t, but because our fair city is semi-unique in that it hosts a bookstore — Books & Co. — and an independent movie theater — the Neon — willing to show his movie. From what I understand he’s been doing a book-signing tour/movie-introducing thing across the country and came to the Neon directly after finishing the signing.

Again, the movie sucked, but Bruce Campbell kicked ass. So just rent it on DVD or be patient and it will eventually show up on the sci-fi channel.

JAB

This is pretty damn funny: “Telemarketers, How To Hassle And Deal With”

These two are my personal favorites:

15. There was a T.V. program where a man started his own business to “listen to telemarketing sales pitches.” He advertised once in a regional paper (Wall Street classified), and when he was called he asked the marketer his name, the company name, and the company’s billing address. He allowed the company to pitch their product or service.

He then sent a bill for (you pick it, let’s say $50) to the company. He then followed through in small claims court when the company didn’t pay. He actually has won payments several times.

16. If they clean rugs ask things like: “can you get out blood?”, “can you get out HUMAN blood?”, and “how about GOAT blood?”

Yeah, ever since the Do Not Call list was put into effect, these aren’t quite as relevant, though they still are funny.

I just checked out the year this article was first created, and it was way back in 1994. Goddamn, the Web barely existed back then. It was mostly bulletin boards and stuff. Weird.

JAB

I’ve got about an hour or so ’til I’m supposed to head over to Jason’s house, where the old Crew is assembling for one last hit. By “Crew” I mean Jason, Adam, Bill, and myself, and by “hit” I mean going out to dinner. I’ve had a headache for the better of the afternoon, but it’s finally gone away for the most part. Now I have a new headache: the desktop computer I built. That poor, young compy has gotten so infected with Trojans, viruses, ‘do-rags, and spy- and adware, that I’ve had to reformat the whole damn thing, which I’m currently doing now. Makes for a good time killer. I’m not entirely sure how I got all that crap on the new computer, though it probably as something to do with some of the bittorrent sites I go to. A lot of them are not the most reputable Web establishments.

I’ve gotten Windows installed, SP2 is in the process of loading then I’ve got some drivers, Office 2003, and Norton to install. I’m just glad I haven’t copies over a lot of my files yet. That’d be a bitch to have to do that again. I’m waiting until my new monitor arrives later this week, and then I’ll transition over to my new, hopefully healthy computer.

JAB

Hello, friends. I just took the technological plunge and signed up for Netflix. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s the online video rental service where you get a movie shipped to you, watch it, ship it back, then get another one, all for a set fee a month.

I usually rent most of my movies from the book depository (i.e., the library), where one has pretty fair bility to reserve DVDs, and is free of charge. Two reasons, however, finally convinced me to sign up for Netflix:

1) Limited Selection – the library is great for popular and recent titles (though it can take a while to receive these DVDs, which I suppose is another reason altogether), but some of the older and/or more obscure titles are harder to find. Like Trancers 6 — it’s not at the library nor any of the other local DVD shops. Netflix, however, has it.

2) Stargate SG-1 – this fucking show, which I have quickly come to love, cannot be found on DVD at any of the Blockbusters and Family Videos around here. The library some of the seaons, but certain disks they have no holdings for. So I can rent the second seasons, I just won’t get the first disk. Jason lent me the first season of SG-1, but that cheap bastard hasn’t bought any of the later seasons yet. And I certainly don’t want to pony up the money on seven seasons of it, each fifty dollars-plus, especially after having recently done so on a combined total of twelve seasons of Buffy and Angel. Fortunately, Netflix has all seven seasons of SG-1, and I’m slated to receive the first disk this Friday. Not a bad turn-around time at all, in my opinion.

In addition tocomparing and contrasting Netflix and Blockbuster’s online service — and I might add, I ultimately went with the former because I hate Blockbuster — I spent a number of hours researching LCD monitors. I fancy myself quite the expert on them now, and will probably purchase this bad boy in the next few days.

The reason why I’ve been quietly working on my new desktop computer, and why I’m gung-ho about buying a new monitor — aside from the fact that they’re fucking sweet — is that my laptop is in serious need of a complete memory wipe. Forgetting the fact that it’s been attacked and infected with an abundance of viruses and ad ware, it also has so much shit on it that it’s always getting bogged down doing the most complex of tasks, like opening Firefox and Microsoft Word. To quote Nick: “What shit.”

JAB

Okay, I’m soooo very near the end of “Thirty Well Spent,” but I have a question that I’m sure someone who comes here will have an answer to:

When a person dies in the operating room of a hospital, where exactly is the body taken to and approximately how long after death is he or she taken there? I know it’s a little weird, but I’d appreciate any help.

Thanks,

JAB

Last month I ordered a Travelocity Roaming Gnome for my mom for Mother’s Day. They were apparently too popular, as they were on backorder for over a month (fuckers). Finally it came a few days ago, and I’m happy to say she likes it very much (she absolutely loves the Travelocity commercials featuring the Gnome). She’s not going to keep it outside, fortunately, so as the paint won’t fade and — more importantly in my estimation — so no asshole teenagers steal it. I suppose that would be “gnomenapping,” wouldn’t it.

Yesterday I brought the Gnome outside and took some suggestive photographs of it…okay, there was nothing suggestive about it in the least, but it’s funnier to say there was.

Anyway, here’s one of the photos:

You can see some more pictures of the Roaming Gnome in the oft-neglected Gallery.

JAB

I went over to Sarah’s after a depressing day at Wal-Mart yesterday. Fortunately I had a good time and my spirits were lifted. Goddamn do I hope I get the job at Logtec. I’m getting sick to death of Wal-Mart.

Do you remember the movie Old School? Specifically the wedding scene with the strange band doing a cover of “Total Eclipse o the Heart,” but sung by a man with a few “fucks” thrown into the lyrics? When that movie came out, I spent a couple of hours trying to find out some info about the band and if they had a CD, but that was a few years ago, and no such luck. Turns out now not only do they have a CD, they also have a name — the Dan Band — and a special on Bravo.

We watched the special for about an hour, and my gods was it funny. The singer, Dan, dressed like the guy who’d change your oil, and was backed up by two guys who wouldn’t look out of place as G-men in a fifties movie. What makes this rise above just basic funny is that they put some fucking effort into their show. They have pretty decent, animated dance choreography, and the songs are seriously performed. All of the original songs were sung by women, and Dan doesn’t change the pronouns. You haven’t seen funny until you’ve watched and listened to a two-hundred pound man sing with utter conviction Wilson Phillip’s “Hold on for One More Day.” I’m seriously considering buying their CD, and I don’t buy much music. Way I see it, even if this CD gets old quick, these guys deserve my support for doing such a sweet job.

The other thing Sarah and I did was watch The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. I initially saw a preview for this movie when I went to see at the Neon and have wanted to see since then. I have a certain sort of fondness for old Fifties sci-fi movies, particularly that classic, This Island Earth.

Quick aside: I originally saw This Island Earth on AMC and liked it then. Several years later, I watched Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie and the movie they “watched” was — wait for it — This Island Earth. Slightly surreal, yes, but ever since, I’ve liked This Island Earth even more.

Anyway, back to Lost Skeleton. It did a damn good job of spoofing those old sci-fi movies. It had all the staples: a scientist who is very skilled at science (that’s how its referred to the entire movie: “Yes, honey, I’ll use my powers of science to analyze this meteor…”), aliens from the planet Marva who arrive in a spaceship (the miniatures used were priceless), a big-ass mutant who eventually saves the day, the element atmospherium, an evil scientist, and an evil skeleton that the actors have carry around a lot of the time. The Skeleton of Cadavra is the single best part of the movie. He just verbally abuses the hell out of his minion, the evil scientist, and is generally mean spiritedly funny. My kind of guy. Er, dead guy. Not that I find dead guys inspiring and amusing. That would be Sarah.

I’d only recommend The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra if you either like old sci-fi movies, or if you have ninety minutes you don’t mind blowing on a pretty funny and silly movie. I do, however, recommend the Dan Band for everyone, because if you don’t like them, then you make the baby Jesus sad. And really, who wants a sad baby Jesus?

Nate, Nick, Sarah, and Jason, you are not allowed to answer this question. Come to think of it, probably ninety percent of the people who come here are probably not allowed to answer. Okay…only those people who mistakenly come to this site looking for the other Josh Bales — you’re the only who’re ones allowed to answer.

JAB

It didn’t really die. Well, it did, but the cable guy was able to resuscitate it sometime this morning. Which explains why this little report on my job interview yesterday is being posted today.

I thought I was going to be really nervous the day of. Y’know, the kind of nervousness where all you can think about is how you wish the day was over with and that you hope you don’t piddle in your pants, but I really wasn’t. I dressed in my suave charcoal suit, faced the two interviewers, and did a damn good job, if I do say so myself, which I just did. Both of the Inquisitors (kidding) seemed very friendly. In addition to the boring interview stuff, we chatted about how screwed-up an institution Wright State is (they both graduated from there around twenty years ago) and some stuff about the air force base. I felt pretty relaxed the whole time, answered their tougher questions well (“What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?”), and even managed to be a little witty. I believe I’m going in on Friday to take an editing test, and also so Jim (my possible future boss) can show me around the place. That they’re taking time out to show me around and also the fact that they were vague on how many other candidates they’re interviewing (seemed like none to me) lead me to believe that I have a better-than-fair shot at landing this position.

I must admit — I’m excited. If I don’t get the job, it won’t be the end of the world, but I will be disappointed. How I long for a stable 9 to 5, Monday through Friday job.

JAB