I just finished — and by “just finished” I mean about four hours ago — hanging up my new 2005 “Get Fuzzy” Calendar. It’s pretty badass. Anyway, the process of doing this gave me a wonderful idea for a home improvement TV show that could be on HGTV, or maybe Comedy Central or FOX. Shows like “Trading Spaces,” “Room by Room, “Clean Sweep,” and other crap I don’t know about. So now, I present you herewith for your enjoyment, “The Hammer Chronicles with Josh Bales”:

The Hammer Chronicles — TEASER

Wide shot of a beautiful ranch-style home. A middle-aged couple is standing in front of the house.

JOSH (voice over): “Next time on the ‘Hammer Chronicles with Josh Bales,’ I’ll take you into the home of the Smiths. Thomas and Rebecca, a couple from Salt Lake City, Utah, are having a problem — one that can only be solved with the Hammer!”

Full-length of Thomas sitting in a hardback chair and being interviewed.

THOMAS: “It was pretty bad. Rebecca got me a full-length portrait of Brigham Young for my birthday and, well, we just had no idea where to put it. We tried to hang it over our bed, but it just didn’t seem to fit…um, the ‘mood’ I guess. Then we tried to put it in the dining room, at the head of the table, but it kept making our youngest, Deseret, cry. So after that, we were just stymied.” (smiles) “Fortunately, the Lord answered our prayers and sent us Josh.”

Cut to Josh standing outside the home, in the shade of a tree.

JOSH: “Brigham Young? Who the **BLEEP** puts up a portrait of Brigham Young?” (a muffled voice speaks) “Oh. Yeah, Mormons, I suppose.” (pauses) “**BLEEP**, we’re filming, aren’t we?”

Tracking shot of Josh and the Smiths as they lead him through their house to a gigantic framed portrait leaning against a gun rack.

REBECCA: “Isn’t it just wonderful?”

JOSH: “Oh my.”

JOSH (v.o.): “With my trusty hammer in hand, I’ll help Thomas and Rebecca select the right nail for the job.”

Josh is sitting in the kitchen, digging through a large selection of miscellaneous nails piled on the linoleum.

THOMAS (holding up a two-inch nail): “What about this one?”

JOSH: “No, no… Where are the big ones? The gutter nails?”

THOMAS: “Won’t those be a little too big?”

JOSH: “Guess we’ll find out, eh?”

JOSH (v.o.): “Then we’ll test out several locations, but some…”

Josh warily ‘admires’ a toothpick-model Tabernacle at the forefront of the living room, setting on top of a table. Next to the model are a crucified Jesus statue and some type of holy book.

JOSH: “Wow, that’s a nice altar you have here.”

REBECCA: “Oh, are you a Mormon?”

JOSH (shaking his head): “Close. I’m a Pagan.”

REBECCA (eyes wide): “Oh. That’s…nice.”

JOSH (cont’d, v.o.): “…are going to be ruled out for various reasons.”

Wide-shot of Josh and the Smiths standing in the kitchen. Josh is tapping his hammer against his hand.

THOMAS: “How about the kitchen?”

JOSH: “How about the garage.”

REBECCA: “…the garage?”

JOSH: “Exactly! That way, when you pull into the garage after work, then BAM — there’s Brigham glaring — I mean staring right at you.”

THOMAS: “We don’t own a car — we ride our bicycles everywhere.”

JOSH: “Oh.”

Cut to a far shot, and then zoom in on Josh sitting upon a step on the Smiths’ front porch, smoking a cigarette.

JOSH (v.o.): “Where will the portrait of Brigham Young finally rest? Find out next time on ‘The Hammer Chronicles with Josh Bales.’ “