I took a little trip down to Cincinnati this past weekend to hang out with Sarah. We didn’t do anything exciting or titillating, though, but I had fun nonetheless. We went to see Xavier’s equivalent of “Whose Line is it, Anyway,” except their comedy troupe is inexplicably called “Don’t Tell Anna.” But they were good, and performed some really funny skits/games.

I’ve also learned in the last couple of days that Todd Guerra is having a baby. Technically, it’s his wife, but I liked the way I said it better.

This is so weird — one of my friends is going to be a parent. And it’s Todd no less. Man…that really makes me feel old. It’s like Nate and Erin getting married all over again, except fuck, Todd is having a child!

I’m not exactly sure when the kid is due, and the father-to-be has told me that they’re waiting ’til it’s born to find out if it’s a girl or boy. So, Todd, you have my congratulations.

JAB

I am currently in the midst of prepping my story, “The Sinner’s Box,” for submission to the guys at Weird Tales. I sent them “An Era Reborn” last year. They liked it, but didn’t accept it because it had too much sci-fi content and not enough fantasy. I don’t think that it had too much sci-fi content, but whatever. “The Sinner’s Box,” however, has a bit more fantasy in it, as well as some horror, and zero sci-fi. I’m hoping that the editors of WT will like it enough to buy it.

I think I’m going to have to get away from the computer for a bit soon. I went to the YMCA for the first time today and messed around with something called a “Lat Pulldown Bar.” Anyway, my shoulders ache a little, and this constant hunching in front of the keyboard isn’t helping any. I’m sure my legs are going to be sore tomorrow, too; I ran on the treadmill for about twenty-five minutes, something I haven’t done since last fall.

JAB

On 49 today (Salem Avenue to those of you who live closer to downtown Dayton), I was pulled over for like the millionth time by the police. This time it wasn’t about speeding, thankfully — the last thing I need is another speeding ticket. No, apparently the blue turn signals I have in my car are illegal, even though I’ve had them for two years and never once before been hassled about them, both of which the cop who’d pulled me over couldn’t believe.

So, after I got off work tonight, I removed the blue covers from my turn signals. It tool all of ten minutes. The longest part was trying to find the damn metric socket-thing to remove the bolts that hold my headlights in.

Sadly, getting pulled over by the police is old hat for me. It’s happened far too many times over the seven years I’ve been driving, and barely phases anymore. I just sorta sigh, turn the radio off, and place my hands at ten and two. I think my encounters with law enforcement numbers somewhere around 20. Let’s see:

- Once for my blue turn signals

- Five times, at least, for speeding, with being ticketed three times (one of the times I only got away because the cop who pulled me over had almost pulled out in front of me only a few hours before — he called us “even”)

- Once for looking suspicious as I made a u-turn in someone’s driveway (leaving Erin Walker’s house at 2 am)

- Once for having the wrong license plates on my car (my dad’s fault, not mine)

- Once for driving down a closed road in downtown Dayton (it was my first time driving down there when I was 16 — the only way I knew to get down there was closed off by a cop and I panicked and went straight through — she was nice and let me off, though)

Okay, that’s only nine I can think of off the top of my head. I know there wereother times, and for far more stupider things. It would help if I had a memory greater than that of a goldfish. If anyone who reads this remembers any more of the things I’ve been pulled over for, please comment and let me know. I’m curious now.

JAB

As we approach the inauguration of the Last President Ever (y’know, ’cause once he gets sworn in again, he ain’t ever leavin’), I thought I would point you all to something author Michael Stackpole wrote: “Ten Things You Will Not See in the Second Bush Administration.”

These two points are my favorite, and the second is very chilling when you think about it:

6) You will see no stable government in Iraq. There are very good reasons for this and the Bush administration’s refusal to acknowledge reality simply exacerbates a problem.

The basic fact is simple: Iraq was no more meant to be a nation than Yugoslavia was. When Tito died and the Soviet influence was removed from Yugoslavia, it fractured into a number of small nations that went to war with each other. Iraq is in a similar situation. It was created by diplomats and consists of three distinct cultures, none of whom want anything to do with each other. The Kurds want their own nation, but Turkey opposes that because they have a Kurdish minority they constantly have to fight. The Marsh Arabs in the south could easily form the nation of Basra, and everything else could go to the Sunni nation of Babylon.

Frankly, splitting the country up that way is a perfect solution. The folks on the ground would have some identity with their nation and could scheme about how to take everyone else over, as opposed to how to shoot our boys. Moreover, an international coalition could come in to rebuild each nation, which means everyone would profit. The United States could withdraw and the nightmare would be over for us. (Actually, we’d probably remain based in Basra to protect the oil and act as a brake on Iranian aggression, but that would work, too.)

Bush and his advisors would never go for this plan. Splitting Iraq would seem like a defeat and that’s just not acceptable.

. . .

10) You will not see our military remain “all volunteer.” Okay, so this one is shooting fish in a barrel since enforced enlistment extensions is already removing the voluntary part of participation for folks already in the system. Moreover, the President maintained, during the debates, that to fight terrorism “you have to have a plan.” He added that we’d done Afghanistan and Iraq, then reiterated “you have to have a plan.”

In the next four years there will be more wars. Our troop strength in Iraq is insufficient to stabilize the country. Somalia and Yemen were on General Tommy Franks’ hit list before Iraq, so they’re still viable targets. Central Asian instability will also demand troops. I’d not be surprised to see the United States inserting troops into Kashmir to keep the peace there-though we’d be inserted under the cover of fighting Al Qaeda troops there. And then we have the Philippines and Sudan to worry about.

I don’t think it will be a draft per se, as much as an imposition of national service. Those who have the qualifications for domestic service will do that. Those who cannot will be looking at the armed forces. It’ll be touted as a jobs program, or an educational program, which is really a jobs program, if you recall the debates. (That this was coming from a C average student who has never really held a job in his life was a delicious bit of irony.)

Who benefits on this one? No one, I’m afraid, save for the morticians.

I sincerely hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think I will be.

Yeah, see why 10 is pretty scary? Read the rest here.

JAB

After the shitty, nightmarish day at Wal-Mart yesterday, it was nice to have a good day today.

I went to Habitat in the morning, finished two large projects that I’d been working on for several weeks. I sent out a grant for $10,000 that I’d written, and also 656 cell phones.

Then I braved the rain, which was coming down quite heavily at this point, and went to Borders. The store was pretty empty, I guess because everyone didn’t want to go out in the rain. I ate a bowl of my most favorite soup, Chick and Wild Rice, and edited my story, “The Sinner’s Box.”

It’s approaching five now. I’m going to dinner with my parents at Bolt’s tonight. Tomorrow I go see Elektra with Jason. Also, the first season of “Battlestar Galactica” premieres tomorrow night.

All in all, today and tomorrow should be a nice end to a crappy, “blah” at best, week.

JAB

There’s another change to JBdN: I’ve now added various categories for all my entries. So, if you don’t give a rat’s ass about certain aspects of my life, you can just click on Life, Politics, Visual Overload (Movie Reviews), or Writing — pick your poison. These categories can be accessed from the right-hand navbar.

Speaking of writing, I wrote a new short story on Friday. It’s tentatively called “The Sinner’s Booth Box,” but that might change that once I do some revisions. I think the story is pretty cool. It’s not the sort I usually go for — if I had to classify it as anything, it’d probably be horror. I got the idea for it from a random conversation Jason and I had and just went home and started writing it. Once I get it in final draft form, I’ll probably post it here. Oh, and it’s not nearly as long as “Perpetual Motion” — only about 4000 words.

JAB

I just finished — and by “just finished” I mean about four hours ago — hanging up my new 2005 “Get Fuzzy” Calendar. It’s pretty badass. Anyway, the process of doing this gave me a wonderful idea for a home improvement TV show that could be on HGTV, or maybe Comedy Central or FOX. Shows like “Trading Spaces,” “Room by Room, “Clean Sweep,” and other crap I don’t know about. So now, I present you herewith for your enjoyment, “The Hammer Chronicles with Josh Bales”:

The Hammer Chronicles — TEASER

Wide shot of a beautiful ranch-style home. A middle-aged couple is standing in front of the house.

JOSH (voice over): “Next time on the ‘Hammer Chronicles with Josh Bales,’ I’ll take you into the home of the Smiths. Thomas and Rebecca, a couple from Salt Lake City, Utah, are having a problem — one that can only be solved with the Hammer!”

Full-length of Thomas sitting in a hardback chair and being interviewed.

THOMAS: “It was pretty bad. Rebecca got me a full-length portrait of Brigham Young for my birthday and, well, we just had no idea where to put it. We tried to hang it over our bed, but it just didn’t seem to fit…um, the ‘mood’ I guess. Then we tried to put it in the dining room, at the head of the table, but it kept making our youngest, Deseret, cry. So after that, we were just stymied.” (smiles) “Fortunately, the Lord answered our prayers and sent us Josh.”

Cut to Josh standing outside the home, in the shade of a tree.

JOSH: “Brigham Young? Who the **BLEEP** puts up a portrait of Brigham Young?” (a muffled voice speaks) “Oh. Yeah, Mormons, I suppose.” (pauses) “**BLEEP**, we’re filming, aren’t we?”

Tracking shot of Josh and the Smiths as they lead him through their house to a gigantic framed portrait leaning against a gun rack.

REBECCA: “Isn’t it just wonderful?”

JOSH: “Oh my.”

JOSH (v.o.): “With my trusty hammer in hand, I’ll help Thomas and Rebecca select the right nail for the job.”

Josh is sitting in the kitchen, digging through a large selection of miscellaneous nails piled on the linoleum.

THOMAS (holding up a two-inch nail): “What about this one?”

JOSH: “No, no… Where are the big ones? The gutter nails?”

THOMAS: “Won’t those be a little too big?”

JOSH: “Guess we’ll find out, eh?”

JOSH (v.o.): “Then we’ll test out several locations, but some…”

Josh warily ‘admires’ a toothpick-model Tabernacle at the forefront of the living room, setting on top of a table. Next to the model are a crucified Jesus statue and some type of holy book.

JOSH: “Wow, that’s a nice altar you have here.”

REBECCA: “Oh, are you a Mormon?”

JOSH (shaking his head): “Close. I’m a Pagan.”

REBECCA (eyes wide): “Oh. That’s…nice.”

JOSH (cont’d, v.o.): “…are going to be ruled out for various reasons.”

Wide-shot of Josh and the Smiths standing in the kitchen. Josh is tapping his hammer against his hand.

THOMAS: “How about the kitchen?”

JOSH: “How about the garage.”

REBECCA: “…the garage?”

JOSH: “Exactly! That way, when you pull into the garage after work, then BAM — there’s Brigham glaring — I mean staring right at you.”

THOMAS: “We don’t own a car — we ride our bicycles everywhere.”

JOSH: “Oh.”

Cut to a far shot, and then zoom in on Josh sitting upon a step on the Smiths’ front porch, smoking a cigarette.

JOSH (v.o.): “Where will the portrait of Brigham Young finally rest? Find out next time on ‘The Hammer Chronicles with Josh Bales.’ “

I was in the corner of the break room, pouring myself a cup of coffee. It’d been a long day and I was hoping to make it go away with some caffeine. It was going to help that the Styrofoam cup was also half-full of whiskey. Then, I sensed a presence behind me. It was him.

“What do you want?” I asked, not turning around.

“Same as you — coffee,” he said.

“I’ll be done in a minute.” I picked up the sugar container and started to pour.

My hope was that he’d take the hint and back off, but instead he moved closer and stood next to me. His elbow was almost touching mine. I closed my eyes, trying to banish the anger building inside me. It wasn’t going too well.

“So,” he said, “have a good New Year?”

“Splendid so far.”

There was silence again. I could almost picture him trying to come up with something, anything to say that would bridge our uncomfortable silence. Uncomfortable for him, at least. Me, I prefer the quiet.

“Make any New Year’s resolutions?” His smile was nervous, like that of a young boy poking a grizzly bear with a piece of dowel and knowing full-well what the end result was going to be.

I gritted my teeth. Enough was enough. I opened a drawer in the counter and reached my hand inside.

“Yeah, I did,” I replied. “But only one.”

“Oh, yeah? What is it?”

“I resolved not to kill anyone who asked me if I’d made any New Year’s resolutions.”

I wasn’t looking at him, but I could practically feel the confusion reeling off of him like skin from a far-gone leper.

“What the — ”

In one smooth motion I wheeled around and jabbed into his throat the butter knife I’d found in the drawer. He didn’t even get a scream out. All he could do was gurgle pathetically. Blood began to flow from his neck like a freshly opened dam. His eyes bulged out and then he fell to the floor, twitching.

I stared down at the newly-minted corpse I’d just created. “I guess I’ll have to try again next year.”

I turned back around and picked up my coffee. I brought the cup to my lips and cautiously sipped it.

“Aaah. Sweet and strong — just the way I like it.”

I’ve been fucking around some with JBdN’s layout over the past week, mostly to switch over to an inline comment system, but also for other reasons, some cosmetic and some more practical. A few of the changes will affect how all of the content is collected and organized, and there will be new, serendipitous ways to read the bilge I produce. Also, since a good bit in my life has changed (okay, so not that much), I’ll be redoing the “About” section.

Anyway, it turns out I’m having trouble with the code for the commenting, and I’m tired of staring at this damn computer screen. So for the next day or so, until I can get to it, the commenting screen will be looking a little bit wonky and flabbergasting.

Okay, I don’t know how it looks flabbergasting — I just wanted to use that word.

JAB

I was going to try to churn out one last post yesterday before the New Year, but I ended up hanging out with Nate and Erin earlier than I expected.

It’s been a little while since I posted, and this time it was on purpose. I decided to take a short “winter break” away from blogging and do other stuff. A couple of friends came into town so I’ve been keeping busy with them. I’ve also been working a little bit more as well as just relaxing. It’s been fun.

Christmas was good — I got movies, a book, some clothes, and a Get Fuzzy calendar, so I was pretty happy. Christmas Eve, after work, I went over to Jason’s house and we watched a Christmas classic: Die Hard.

New Year’s Eve, I went with Erin and Nate to his dad’s house, where we watched TV, drank beer, and ate a…I think it was called a Cornish chicken-thing Game Hen. Actually, I’m not quite sure what it was, but I do know it It was very tasty.

Nate sent me my Christmas present today: he wrote a story called “An X-Men X-mas” and damn is it funny. It’s not finished yet, but it already features what is quite possibly the funniest Star Trek Interlude ever. When he finishes it, I might — with his permission — reprint it here for your amusement.

I think this sort of sums up what I’ve been doing the past week. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and that this New Year, even if it doesn’t turn out you be your Best Year Ever, at the very least doesn’t suck too badly.

JAB